life updates for anyone who cares

friendships and attachment issues

so this is just my research dump bc sometimes im confused about what to think so i believed wattpad's format could help me figure out what to think and how to think it bc soon, my sister and i will be coming out with a podcast IN SHAA ALLAH and i dont want to sound stupid so i wanna kind of use some sort of medium to flesh out my views.

so.

im a psychology student, a very inspired and avid student. i LOOOOOOOVE psychology with all my heart like deadass, i will frkn give my life for it and idc if human subjects are hurt as long as it furthers our understanding of the human race.

ik for a fact i was put on this earth for three things:

- create a podcast/youtube

- be a forensic psychologist

- be a relationship COUNSELLOR !!!!

and the last one is the most frustrating yet the most rewarding journey ive been on so far, bc human relationships are so complex it makes me cry and sometimes so simple it makes me laugh. there is no in between.

im not just interested in romantic relos but obviously that is the main thing that pikes my interest. and that's probably bc i kinda want to be a sensual seductress. i want to take over people's hearts and minds so that they feel so intensely for me that they could DIE.

i want to be so intensely desired that when im not, it kills me inside. i need to be people's favourite person. and not bc im just an attention seeker, but bc im so captivating and enchanting that they cant help but make me their object of desire.

idc if people hate or love me, as long as it is an intense feeling, ik ive accomplished smth. i realised lately that im a big-time narcissist and i judge people by what value they bring into my life.. and i don't really think that's a bad thing. in the day and age where there is so much information and so many people, we need to salvage the time and space our hearts and minds acquire. so i can't give just any person the time of day even if i really wanted to.

anyhow, so ye i realised i was a narcissist and the way ive tried to deal with it is to create a relationship with Allah (SWT) so that He can fulfil my excessive need to be needed. bc its is unhealthy most times.. how i feel about certain things.. i don't want to expect anything from any human in my life.. but it's hard when you're a narcissist.

it's not even like i had a bad childhood nauzubillah. Alhamdulilah i had a very flourishing childhood but i feel like my peers and their attention made much more impact on me unfortunately. and like since im into psychology, ive done the attachment quiz (y'all should probably do it too if you want to experience a gut-wrenching truth about your relationships) and ive always gotten secure with both of my parents but overall, for other relos like friendships and romantic relos, it has been fearful avoidant or dismissive. i would still prefer dismissive tbh, bc its like the 'cool person' aura.. and i can only cultivate that if i feel i have a strong enough friendship circle and.. i don't.

im friends with a bunch of little kids (im 20, they're 16-18) and i just don't feel i can acc discuss real life with them. i don't want to ruin their experience of life with my nihilistic views etc.. bc they're still little girls, that's why i consider myself to be their therapist. not their friend.

i used to be popular.. and that is when i was connected with Allah the most. i had the most when i understood that no one could 'hook me up' in this life and the next like Allah could. and honestly there is smth about being connected to God that is incomparable to any other human relo. and i think part of it, for me, is bc im a narcissist.. so i need more attention than most. and i just can't reasonably expect it from people around me, and i don't blame them bc we're all adults and no one can spare more than a few minutes to someone.

even tho i believe that if you truly cared for someone, you'd drop everything, i also understand the world does not revolve around me... not yet.

anyway i don't really know the point of this entry except that i need to penetrate thru some social groups to feel powerful and have some networking and also less needy.

thing is, my opinions are muddled bc im not dealing with what's inside me. im instead trying to use up more brain power than i have to solve smth i don't completely understand. so forgive me if i start rambling on, im trying to clear my head.

im writing to forget. my mind is fuzzy and i feel like all i can do or have the energy to do is feel pity for myself. but thats not a good look.

so i definitely need to start making friends... but tbh im kind of tired of talking to people so i just wanna have a bunch of people around me that i can water the plant often enough that is of use to me when it comes to harvesting time. i don't have time for intimate relos, unless they happen by chance ofc. im definitely open to intimate relos but rn i need to focus on networking bc i need a job and an internship.

thing is... ive been trying to make intimate friendships but there's smth about uni.. the vibes are just off, uno? anyway, im kind of done with rambling