life updates for anyone who cares

ramadan + confused about my future

so yeah. i havent journaled properly in ages tbh, my past two entries were crap and not enough was expressed but really i feel myself becoming depressed once again: and it goes back to the same thing, fitness.

ive realised that the gym or working out really makes life manageable for me, but when i dont go or dont get my workout in, its hard to exist and carry on doing whatever it is. but tbh, this needs to end, this cycle of just STOPPING fitness entirely to "fOcUs" on work/uni bc 1. its not true that it takes my focus away, it acc makes it managebale but yes, waking up early is a chore and already ramadan is so frkn packed i cant even explain.

like damn, idek where the day goes, on top of that, i havent been eating greek yoghurt for the past week which impacts my health and my fast. greek yoghurt really keeps me full until 2:00 but normal yoghurt only till 11.30, and half of that time is spent sleeping. so not fun tbh.

anyways, idek why i stopped i always end up doing this. somehow thinking that spending MORE time on my assignments is whats needed to complete them even tho that isnt true. time is better well spent not too much spent on the same thing, where your ideas stop flowing and your brain is dying.

alhamdulilah for a functioing body, ngl ive gained a bit of weight and dont like looking at myself in the mirror, but ik if i really wanna work on this, i gotta just train: maybe some pilates twice a week and martial arts or gym three times a week. idk still weighing up the options.

i gotta change the goal from aesthetics to health bc really, aesthetics only lasts so long and eventually i lose hope and stop trying. i cant keep burning out on this hamster wheel, i gotta play the long game, and change the meanign behind fitness. ofc i wanna look my best, but aesthetics is not a goal. my goalpost should be: stress relief, therapy, my own time, growth, self-improvement, not how big my a$$ can get. its not right, and it only means i go to gym for about a month and stop bc smth comes up.

but if i change the meaning to its smth i have to do, like journaling, that stops me from spiralling out of control, then i can have fun with it. i wont hate myself if i cant make it one day, and also it helps with consistency vs if i make aesthetics a goal and its just a fleeting motivation thing.

i wanna be one of those people that goes to the gym for stress relief not realising.... i AM one of those people. i start hating myself if i cant go bc ik im not honoring myself + i feel stressed so like what WAS THE REASON. anyways, this entry is simply to remind myself that gym is therapeutic for me, and i shouldnt make it a chore. thats it. do what you can  and do it well iA Allah is on your side. 

additionally, this ramadan ive really amped up my dua meter which has made me take a more proactive role in my life and made me feel more hopeful for the future but for some reason, also a little anxious bc i feel like there isnt much time in life to accomplish everything, but really i gotta chill out a little bit. the most things thats got me worried is my career direction: i am genuinely at a fork and idk where to go. i love psych but i also love law and i just dk genuinely. but im tryna find my way