life updates for anyone who cares

undecided and crippling anxiety

not mine but my husband's ... but i'd be lying if i sad it wasnt affecting me. his anxiety and constant indecision with his degree and wherever he wants to work and his adamant averseness to "working for someone". when really he could be gaining skills in that.

i gave him his space for the last 2-3 months to figure out what he wants to do with his life but still hes undecided... yesterday i told him he should do law bc honestly he would not only enjoy it, but its suited to his skillset and he will become a more polished and refined man.

he will know what hes talking about... doing law has given me so much confidence bc ik no one can fluff me around. and i dont take it as "wasting time" just bc im not gonna be practising it. does it really matter? i dont think it does. it gives me more knowledge about the world and makes me more learned. 

anyway. he has settled on law ALHAMDULILAH now its just for the uni to internally transfer him into the degree he wants bc idk if his credit points will allow it. but maybe he could do a double degree in commerce and law and get the best of both worlds.

for now, we are also considering becoming a wedding caterers with live performances of food if you will, so cooking the food in front of the audience, creating drama, becoming a spectacle.

lets see how this idea pans out in the coming days.

i find myself increasingly becoming annoyed that one of my friends (afra) doesnt call me or msg me or talk to me but talks and facetimes everyone else. but i told myself i dont enjoy her friendship anyway, so why would i be annoyed or upset she doesnt call me? shes always negative and talking about her coworkers, and honestly, shes sparing me the bakwaas.

idek if im supposed to want relos anymore but im sort of over them now that i have enough of a network being married. my husband's friend was thinking about inviting all of his married friends and their wives to meet and i was so nervous. it didnt end up going thru.. so im thinking maybe we should host one? i'd still be very shy but ive seen mama pull it off so many times that ill be good iA. 

its just so cool. ill discuss it with my husband before making any plans. if im honest, i feel a little embarrassed calling people over to my MIL's house bc its such a dark atmosphere and i dont like it, the paint, the tiles the ugly green and dark blue... its so off-putting and old-school... but idk if im the only one noticing it and maybe i can just invite them to the granny flat... but still my husband would wanna have more of his friends im guessing, i guess we'll discuss this

in other news, i got very upset at baba recently bc i feel like he unnecessarily judges my husband for his foolishness, even tho hes made many foolish business mistakes himself. ik its bad but i felt defensive over my husband bc i dont like the way ive portrayed him to my family if im honest. i dont want my family, esp my siblings, to look down on him just bc he has outward flaws and we are struggling atm.

ik im definitely at fault for airing his dirty laundry out, and im not a very good spouse in that regard, and i have a lot to learn from my husband. he protects me in the best way possible, he says im the best wife ever and that he is still needs to do some work (its true, but still), hes so sweet to me, i love how he touches me, caresses me makes me feel fuzzy inside. its the best feeling that every girl should experience. i love him, i truly do. rn we are struggling, and that really clouds how i think of him but at the end of the day, hes my husband, and he deals with my crap just as much as i deal with his. hes started to really put his clothes where they belong and his shoes, and cook for himself. which is very pleasing to see. and i love that about him. may Allah always keep us together, Ameen