life updates for anyone who cares

crisis supporter is taking a toll on me now

so ive just realised (or maybe i already subconsciously knew) that i am frkn tIRED of being used for being such an empathic and caring person. i feel that i wouldnt feel needed any other way and so ive made this my identity. AND....i dont want it.

ik that i want to be a psychologist, but its for dark things like meeting literal criminals and crazies to see how their mind works..instead of to "help people" bc i have that annoying healer energy without even trying. but maybe i should stop indulging in it in the first place? its  not other peoples' fault that im offering up that space.. ofc people will take that opportunity and use it? what did i expect?

i guess i just expect a friend but i think im taking this therapist friend thing TOO seriously.idk how to stop but i need to look into it. altho ive improved heaps, i do get annoyed that my half-sister gets the same, if not MORE contact and "info" about people bc they open up to her... idk why. either its bc the person is just like that, they tell everyone everything and so i dont feel special anymore, or they just like having that internet relo that honestly i cant keep up with. i get tired of messaging people, its such a chore. i now know why people have managers and secretaries bc sheesh aint nobody doing this ish for free.

eugh, i get the ick everytime i have to build a schedule. but maybe i should try sticking to one. bc life isnt getting less busy so i better get organised or im gonna look very unprofessional etc.

anyways i want to talk about F again. just bc honestly this is driving me crazy. i hate the silent treatment, but i hate that i hate it too. like its not like F is even remotely interesting, all she talks about is paki dramas (she only watches 5 mins of each episode bc she skips thru all of them), continues to say "but whats the difference between us and indians, we're the same" (i guarantee you, you try that line with palestinans against israelis and if you dont get punched, ill make sure you do :)) and shes just boring overall. she has no personality, and anyone she shares two sentences with becomes her friend. in essence, i do feel truly sorry for her bc she doesnt acc have a friend.. but then i dont feel sorry for her bc i know why.

shes such an arrogant little witch that she doesnt deserve friendships. like seriously. if your pride is more important to you than friendships, if your mental health is less important than your pride. then idk for you. and ngl, secretly hope you keep struggling with your mental health until you come back to your senses. i wish i didnt care but i do. thats why im typing this all here so i dont say any of this to ANYONE irl. bc i dont and cant trust anyone with these vulnerable feelings. just bc im a year older than her, people expect me to be "mature" but the thing is... i have tried to solve it with her. and i have enough dignity and respect not to keep talking to a wall. and ik i'd just be embarrassing myself if i tried to force her to talk to me bc it was "too awkward" for me to handle. i just have to make peace with it and make her look bad, by being nice to her so when she is being a complete witch (which we ALL know she is)... its her doing that to herself. shes just gonna feel more embarrassed and more humiliated.. and thats what i set out to do. bc if i let her stay naraaz with me, im letting her win.

nah b****, this is my game, and we're playing with my rules. that means everytime i see her, im going to smile really widely, even if i dont feel like it, and im gonna say salaam in front of everyone and if she doesnt say salaam back, im gonna say "is that how we're playing it now, we're not even saying salaam to people, aight ok" and move along and make sure its loud enough so everyone can hear.