life updates for anyone who cares

so lost

ive never felt like i didnt know what i wanted... maybe once when i genuinely wanted to be a detective and i hated to come to terms with the fact that it wasnt happening... but i was a kid still. now ... im 22 and i feel more lost than ive ever been. idk if my life trajectory is what i want or what everyone else wants and expects from me and im just tagging along for it. and its kind of difficult to know which one it is.

i also realise that this always happens to me in the summer holidays bc im so "free" and unbusy that it makes me reconsider my  "direction" and really ...what is my direction?

i have no clue. for the first time. i have no idea if what i want for eg. if relationship counselling is going to be good for me. ive paid for the course and everything but for what?

counselling and psychology is vastly different,  its a different field. but its like my husband said... in 2022, im not gonna be doing my  post-grad year for psych so i might as well do smth that will get me closer to a reputable job. i feel like im not getting a job bc im meant to have a business.

and thats literally why its not coming to me. bc im meant to design my own life, my own career in my own way... whatever that may be. i can hire good psychologists... i can literally edit my psychotherapy to be of spiritual quality like loa and law of assumption and the whole lot... including islam and its teachings about imaan and everything.

THAT is what i want to do. i want to be a muslim psychologist FOR muslims... so that muslims dont feel like they have to give up praying bc they "dont understand why" im there to connect these two worlds together. which is also why im doing the sharia course... so that im more learned and can connect these two things in a good way. ive been thinking of becoming an aalimah too..i mean... why noT? i would be not only a better person for it, but a better mom, a better psychologist, a better wife, a better everything and most of all... muslim girls would turn to me and  not male scholars who have zero idea of what they're talking about

and relationship counsellor would help me in different ways for eg. muslim couples and their divorce rates are astronomically high. i would actively advocate for pre-marriage counselling, and pre-marriage courses and preparing muslim girls and boys for marriage. idk exactly how and when but ik that this is one way i can help the community.

i realised i was doing things "just bc". the python coding was a big "just bc" and i realised my reason for it was not strong enough for me to pursue it for even a second. but you need to have a reason to do things, esp things that will take up your time. time should not be given away to just anything. and so im gonna be focussing on what im meant to be doing which is law, relo counselling and psych and trying to secure a job.