life updates for anyone who cares

still thinking about yesterday

wasnt really that productive today, as much as i could have been simply bc whatever happened yesterday is stuck in my head.

ik i have insecurities relating to people but like still? like why?

even tho ik who my husband is and everything but why do i expect Godly things from common men? what is my problem? i need to get it thru my head that people are people and my husband is part of that - not separate from it. im also part of that.

idk why it got to me that really nobody rides for you in this world. like what does ride or die even mean? to me, it means that even if we fall out, my best interests are at heart of the other person - not against it

but i also know that people are for themselves, and not against you.

i guess what pisses me off the most is that my husband will give anyone extra money generously just bc theyre muslim and he happens to be buying smth from them but the way he said 'im spewing' if Islam had a requirement to give half the business that the husband owned, had me feeling some type of way

and idk why i just felt a pang of treachery and greediness.

as if hes allowed to be greedy but im not, bc im a wOmAn or whatever the f

like i really did think about it and still constantly am, that nauzubillah if me and my husband had a divorce, what colours would i see in him that i havent seen yet?

and that bothers me alot. bc you dont know a person until theyre in a situation where they're losing everything  or about to ... and i just imagined how he would react

would he react like how "The Founder" did when he divorced his wife and said "give her the house, but shes not touching this business" bc thats kind of what my husband said... stuff like ill get a house etc and make sure my kids are good and fed and that youre good too. but idk smth about that tugged a chord in me - and it made me bitter.

im still not over it im not sure why

im not sure how i would act either.

idk how to be dirty, like a man does. and idk what i would even do/say that would be bad. im not trying to act like a saint but after the answer he gave me. i felt so reprehensible and like i wouldnt even want the ring that he gave me, or the mahr or anything to do with his dirty money bc thats how pissed i would be.

i would find a way to do better for me and my kids but i wouldnt take his money if thats how its being perceived. i felt dirty, i felt disgusting but most of all i felt like i didnt know him.

like at all. like rn hes struggling, so its easy to be humble, but i see his arrogance come out at times where he thinks hes too good for me or he looks at me in a condescending manner and thinks i dont notice. and if that how hes acting when he gets paid ONCE after a whole year of no job etc... then how will he act when he does become successful iA?

and he even admitted to the arrogance by saying "i have a job im doing smth now so if you see me act in an arrogantish way, thats why"

but wth does that mean? did you quickly forget where you came from? and who was there for you when you were frkn dirt poor and frkn stupid? is that how replaceable i am, you piece of sh*t? then i dont want you or your disgusting money. i just want you to pay me back for what you took from me during our food truck, and anything on top, idc about or want. if i have to learn financial independence on my own, i will

anyways, he thinks he has an upper hand on me but he frkn wishes. i will never depend on a man completely, and kill me if i ever do. even Aisha (RA) went thru a situation that was so crap, only Allah was on her side, and thats how i feel rn.

i really would rather die than depend on him after that conversation. i already see his true colours, good thing hes honest. it makes ripping the bandaid off much easier