life updates for anyone who cares

enjoying semester break

alhamdulilah, after about a week and a half back from perth ive been feeling really good alhamdulilah. im not sure exactly what it is im doing/what is happening thats making me feel this way but thats the best part about it.

im so on top of my skincare, my stress levels, i drank cacao for the first time today in my coffee and ive been feeling so calm and content since then. i realised i need mushrooms in my life and you can get the same effect without intoxication from mushrooms other than magic mushrooms from reishi mushrooms, lion's mane and etc. so im gonna buy myself a mushroom blend (i really wanna try this mushroom elixir i keep seeing on my fb ads  as well, apparently it tastes like coffee) but ye mushrooms are the fungi i need to keep taking in my life, bc mushrooms calm down the system and anxiety in general.

cacao also helps to elevate mood which honestly it did but i wanna get on top of this anxiety and bad stress-taking that i do. moreover, im hoping to journal more bc i feel myself missing my old self, when all i used to care about was how i am, and how well im doing as opposed to judging others which is what i do currently. my husband and i are finally seriously considering to move out of this house - and altho its been relatively unproblematic, alhamdulilah bc my MIL is truly one of the greatest ones, even tho she has flaws and alhamudlilah these last two years have taught me a lot but my granny flat is all gone now and so i would like to move out, i dont feel comfortable having s*x as loud as i want, i cant just take off my scarf and chill in the lounge room, i cant really be that outwardly emotional bc everybody else is around me too, its too much to keep inside - especially when i dont have to. i think ive done the character development i had to do in this stage and now its time to move forward and onto better things.

i keep dreaming and imagining of how im going to design the place, we already have all of our furniture but so far we are looking at 1-2 bedrooms. we're happy with either but now that i think about it, it makes more sense to have two bc i have a computer and we need a study space. so iA we're going to go check out some apartments on saturday. im really salvaging these next 3 days of work-free zone before uni but what this break made me realise is that i need to prioritise down-time and stop taking so much stress

im feeling and looking better bc of the tonic my naturopath has given me, i dont feel bloated, i dont feel absolutely worthless, im drinking fenugreek 1-2 times a day and im trying to just relax. i feel like i needed this for the longest time. i need to go back for my probiotics iA, honestly this month i didnt do myself justice bc i had heaps of dairy almost every other day, so going into the next month i want to avoid dairy bc im still healing my gut. idk if its the placebo effect or what but gluten definitely does smth to me, i had one pizza slice over the weekend and i was gassy for 2 days, maybe its in my head - but maybe it isnt?

i do believe in the placebo effect but how can you tell if its that or an actual reaction? not quite sure tbh but i will have to do more research. rn i need to catch up on all my lectures etc as well as tutorials and my research internship aswell. iA all goes well. i gotta speed up iA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZdCUKULpHw&ab_channel=Thewizardliz

- Have a vibrant energy 

 - Become comfortable with your emotions and realise what it's trying to tell you 

 - Don't attach yourself to people, places, things or situations 

 - Become okay with people leaving your life 

 - If you become whole what you want will chase you 

 - Start making decisions that will benefit you 

 - Remove toxic people and be firm about it 

 - Prioritize what you want to do 

 - Value your time 

 - Stop over sharing and become more exclusive 

 - Have a life and don't be always be available 

 - Start taking calculated risks

 - Go after the things you want and be unapologetic about it 

 - Be your authentic self. Say what you mean and mean what you say 

 - Don't look at problems. Look at solutions 

 - Good intentions will always win

i watched this video ^ and it resonated with me so much, obviously theres stuff i need to work on for eg.  the gossiping part as well as the detachment part even tho i feel like im quite good at doing that, esp after J.F in school. what happened wasnt a big deal but what it taught me was, another thing that she said in the video made me feel so much calmer "not everybody needs to know EVERYTHING about you, not even your family" and thats so true. i dont want to be enmeshed with anybody. not even my husband but if i tell him this, he'll get mad which i why im telling you instead. sometimes, i feel like this diary on the internet is a mistake and that its still so incriminating even tho im not revealing anybody's names - im just so paranoid that i might unpublish this or smth, but theres a voyeuristic part of me that wants people to read and learn from it as well as see my thought process.

there was another part of the video that said "nothing lasts forever, you live alone, you die alone and you need to be detached from people" and thats so true, for eg. even now, i dont tell my friends anything and everything, except stuff i feel comfortable sharing, ofc ive been weak at times, but now that i have someone like me (the girl in the vid, Liz) telling me she thinks the same way, its just such a relief. also, when i tell my SIL stuff (J.A) I dont tell her everything, just like she doesnt tell me everything, i want to indulge at times, for eg. about my s*x life but then i think about how trashy i sound and i stop... going forward, im going to act more classy, less trashy and oversharing. its really got me in so much trouble, and most people are blabbers so you cant trust them, AVA.

if im honest, idrc about people being obsessed with me or not, irdc and if i cared then that would be antithetical to the message of 'dont get attached' but this video is definitely a reminder that what i "have" is NOT who i "am" and ive always believed this but i could never explain it, and now i feel it with more force and energy. 

for eg. currently my brand is about using food as medicine and even tho its not a full-fledged brand, i want to take it more seriously and Liz has inspired me to be more serious about it - but also she talked about she doesnt take small brand deals which is what i thought i HAD to do in order to "make money", again that relaxed me alot too. 

overall a good video, she does seem to be a bit over her head alittle bit but she has the right idea. she is me in year 9 and i remember how stuck up i used to be then, shes a bit older than me tho and NOW shes going thru it, so she'll get over herself soon enough.

but very interesting perspective.