life updates for anyone who cares

still thinking about yesterday + MIL's brunch *eyeroll*

ugh so im still thinking about what happened with my half-sister and the biggest thing i realised is... she hasnt changed. which is very unfortunate bc i really did think we could work on repairing our relo but it turns out shes miserable ah and i dont want to be a part of that.

moreover, my choti phoppo is very sick with cancer and in hospital and thats got my dad stressed obviously but hes putting it out on mama and idk why.. hes saying things that insinuate that mama doesnt do work in the house bc shes a SAHM or shes doing her quraan classes and mama is annoyed bc she wants to help with the college however she can, but she doesnt have a computer to do it on which is a valid reason.

im upset that baba is turning out to be like every other man out there, even tho i understand what he means - he needs admin help but why is it that hes getting NDIS money for one of his customers that he repeatedly gives pick and drop to, and that is meeting the rent requirements which means he doesnt have to uber to make ends meet - more time for the college - and still saying things like such to mama - but i guess the stress of his sister being sick with cancer is getting to him.

mama is quite over the whole situation, even phoppo being sick, i think she really struggles with empathy sometimes. for eg. when phoppo was calling her to visit, she just kept mentioning how back in 2019 she did and phoppo had conveniently "forgot" which obviously, shes sick and she needs company all the time - and her saying hurtful things is unfortunately part of the process which makes all of this so hard.

idk how to deal with all this, but i stayed two nights there and i really didnt want to. bc it was such a negative environment - esp. when you feel helpless, its just worse. so anyway, i dont appreciate how baba treats mama sometimes, bc he doesnt communicate at all how hes feeling, he just assumes mama will know etc.

like the other day they had to go to the shops but mama already had food ready and it was maghrib-ish time so they decided to leave after maghrib. mama was making wudhu while my youngest brother and baba prayed and baba left without mama - and then mama called him to ask like where he is, and baba was already at the shops. and then obviously mama got upset bc baba misunderstood what mama was trying to say, and then baba got upset and angry at mama and said hes not gonna eat the food that she made. and then mama insisted.

i guess its not really the financial situation anymore, and its his sister. and honestly i cant imagine how hes feeling, when things are finally starting to look better financially, his sister is dying. its like he cant be happy for even a second - or thats atleast how he feels.

im trying to be as understanding as i can be, bc ik that when im judgmental it just makes my karma bad - nothing else. but sometimes people do need to be talked to.

i havent had a heart-to-heart with baba, bc hes always at work on his college or hes talking to phoppo and i just feel weird and disconnected from him when i see him and mama fight. idk if they used to fight like this before me getting married, perhaps they did but it was behind closed doors and now mama tells me so i think its never happened before, but it always has

anyways, its uncomfortable for me, even tho ik theres nothing wrong with arguing here and there and things always being good is not acc a good thing but its weird to see my parents like this - estranged from each other. i mean they have been together for 24 years now so its going to bring feelings like this up from time to time.

i just thought about me and my husband surprising them with a trip to bali or fiji or someplace where they dont do any work at all and just have fun bc they both need that. esp. mama. i cant even begin to feel what mama is going thru - her whole marrried life has been  an uphill battle with baba's finances and a kid like my half-sister .

idk what to do about this but im glad ive got it all on paper, bc i was feeling too anxious to do any work and needed to put this somewhere so i dont backbite or explode somewhere else.

on sunday, which was yesterday, we had our in-laws brunch and my MIL was being very annoying. i just wish she'd be honest instead of being paki and keeping it inside hoping i can make good guesses.

anyway, my SIL S.A made french toast with walnut topping etc and me and J.A apparently didnt do anything even tho shes wanted to do the frenchtoast for so long and we kept on putting it off bc my MIL wanted to do fancy brunches every week for the past 4 weeks - not giving us a chance.

ofc she got mad that S.A had made the french toast, even tho imade eggs for me and my husband bc of paleo, and she comes to me and says "why are you guys making it a big deal to make food every sunday, its not meant to be hard" ok so if its not meant to be hard why should we have variety??

variety is "hard" and it is antithetical to "keep it simple" i got annoyed at her and said "idk why you think we (me and J) dont do anything, i just didnt do anything today, (even tho i made omelette) and S.A is the one who wanted to make the french toasts for so long and she specifically tells us not to make anything else." and then MIL goes"no i dont mean you guys, i mean J" and ik for a fact thats a lie bc she told J that "ava's just studying, she doesnt have a baby and she doesnt work" etc. so shes a double-crosser and its really getting to me now

like dont frkn say "nO I mEaNt j" when really you know full well you meant both of us - im acc sick of the lies. no matter how J is , atleast shes not a liar and i can trust her more than anyone else in this house - its so patronising what my MIL does - like shes so sweet sometimes, and sometimes her shaytaan is just so strong and has control over her. like im not trying to be treated "like S.A" bc i understand thats her daughter - so idc BUT dont be acting like you dont give her preferential treatment over me and J and that bc im studying or bc J is  SAHM we're 'worthless' etc.

anyways, shes still thinking about yesterday, ik bc i finally said it str8. usually i say things after a few days bc i cant be rude etc but this time i said it at that exact moment - which is what struck her and it should. idc anymore about these stupid politics - im so done and over it. i wanna move out asap, i need my husband to get a couple of clients underway and then we can have fun under our own roof and live our lives. this crap is getting irritating