life updates for anyone who cares

my dark side/shadow self

i did it!!!! i figured out why im so obsessed with my yr 9 self.

its  bc it was PURELY me. it was pure (all the good and the bad) but it was me. and that is the freedom people saw with me, that is why they were so attracted to me - that is why i was voted hottest girl in the grade without even intending to be.

aka things that i dont like in others that might be sitting under the surface for me; ie. see freud's defense mechanism (reaction-formation and projection)

-i want to be taken by a muscular man bc i want to be overpowered 

-i want to be taken in the car - voyeuristic

-i want successful people to take me - could mean im very obsessed with ambition

-red pill was quite confronting: made me go into depression in which i didn't really understand my role as a woman

-stopped hating on hoes and girls who use their pretty privilege... bc men are responsible for us and our leaders who have pandered to this environment and culture that propagates women being rewarded for LITERALLY existing.

-now  i hold grudges, instead of easily forgiving people for how they wrong me (still working on how to navigate this)

- i dont believe in a soulmate

-i h8 my sister bc... honestly? shes really good at putting up a facade and people still loving her which really pisses me off - could be jealousy or could be that i am so honest that i feel i deserve that love that she gets

-im obsessed with power and manipulation, probably bc i have the capacity for it?