life updates for anyone who cares

my husband's toxic mindset

so my husband and i were arguing today about women being "fitna" for men etc. and i will never deny a hadith even if it hurts me to admit, but ofc we are fitnah.. have you seen women?

thats besides the point tho, my point was to say that you cant just say "but women are a fitnah bro!!!" everytime you masturbate, commit zina or cant lower your gaze. thats not the point of a fitnah

fitnah means test. 

anyways and then he says "women open the door to shaitaan bc theyre easily swayed by their emotions" and thats what got me pissed.

altho what he said wasnt wrong bc ik women are stupidly emotional but i would never admit that to someone  other than another woman, but isnt lust an emotion? and what about anger?

and dont men frequently fall into both lust and anger and literally KILL others?

okay but no thats different, men apparently have more strength to forgo against that emotion.. and women dont (According to him)

if we were to BLAME dajjal for us being stupid enough to follow him, dajjal wouldnt be getting more sin, his whole entity is that he is a fitnah, but the sin that i would be committing if i beleived in him is ON me. not him. he is not getting sin for being who he is, whereas i do get sin for following him since he is a test for me etc.

but idk why that didnt get thru to him. 

he says things like "most women are bad" and "some men are bad" in the same sentence as "women submit to men" (Which is true) but how can you say that and then say some men are bad whereas most women are bad??? doesnt make sense.

women are bad after men are bad, and if men lead and women follow then that means that men are bad first and if its "most women" then its "most men" and if its "some men" then its "some women"

you cant have your cake and eat it too.

discussing this with him got me very heated bc he was speaking and saying very ignorant things like "women are lower than men in imaan bc of periods etc" and while this is a hadith that i think ive come across before, he didnt even have an adequate answer for it when i told him its literally haram for us to pray during periods and us following that  commandment is literally worship?????

idk why but i started crying bc i didnt realise how toxic his thinking could be and then i got frustrated and pissed at myself for crying bc the topic was about women being emotional!!!

ughhhhh i was so annoyed that i was ready to sleep alone, i was very angry honestly. but i was hurt. i was hurt that he selectively respected women. i was hurt that he could only name a handful of women including me, my sister and his mum. but the rest were categorised as "most women"

im not saying he needs to be in love with most women, obviously not. but theres smth off about the fact that a woman doesnt deserve respect until shes a part of your household. thats very stupid and not what islam teaches us at all. most of all, his view of women is like the christian's view of women like "eve led adam to eat the apple" even tho it was both of their sin and it is very clear in the Quraan that its both of their sin. and then i told him "you look like the type to blame the women when both man/woman commit zina" and he just sheepishly smiled but it wasnt funny.

this is how men victimise themselves as being "cornered" by sexy women etc etc or having apparently "uncontrollable" urges. they act like women just exist to tempt them when thats not the case.

women being a fitnah is the case even if a woman is covered from head to toe and not doing anything to "tempt" a man. women can literally be doing the most normal thing and some man will be turned on by it and "blame" her for trying to seduce him????? like babes, youre not the sexy ones, we are. and so women dont exist to please men.

do most women still try their hardest to please men? unfortunately yes. 

another thing i noticed today when i was at the gym is "am i doing this for me or for my husband?" and i didnt like that i was asking myself that question but i do feel that i have to be honest with myself. one reason i dont want to admit to anything is bc he focuses on power training even tho he knows i like big arms but hes not working them out, so i feel like a hamster on a wheel going to the gym trying to get big glutes for someone who doesnt get big arms do you know what i mean?

will i admit  this to him? no. but i need to admit it to myself otherwise it will come out sooner or later.

and at the same time i was working on big glutes even before i met him so i try to think of it as him just trying to "encourage" me to go again bc tbf i did get lazy during covid. but i dont like his suggestions, "oh you should do cardio at least once a week" or "go do yoga" like i dont like them at all bc he doesnt listen to me and my suggestions about big arms so why should i listen to him?

at the same time tho, my glutes have heaps of potential and so i can and will grow them but my ego is becoming tangled and i need to resolve this now.

like hes just as fat as me so i just dont enjoy his crappy little remarks. and worst of all, i dont believe him when he calls me hot or sexy bc ik hes trying to make it up but honestly i cant forget what hes said. the fact that he said it on the second week of us knowing each other is even worse like does nothing go thru that brain? dad bods are not that hot and he should know this. but now hes got a dad bod and no arms???? or back????

he broke my trust when he broke my heart that time when hes giving me stupid suggestions on "oh you should tighten your butt" or "oh you should tone it up" and telling me how when he sees a toned woman he just wants to screw them. like wth????? how would he feel if i said that about another man whos not my husband? thats like me saying "when i see a broad shouldered guy with big chest and arms, i want to be taken by him" it frkn hurts man and idek how ive held it in for so long but i feel like frkn shit all the time and im not able to recover and its bc ive made him my everything when Allah should be my everything. men are frkn stupid.

one day they like skinny, the next day they like fat, then they like thicc. and im just tired of pandering to their frkn agenda im sick of it and i cant be a part of this. hes said so many frkn dumb things and theyve all been about my body, and he said them so honestly that i dont believe a word he says when he calls me sexy etc. i just dont and i cant bc im so traumatised. 

and now im on this paleo diet, and even tho i feel great on it and regret when i eat smth im not supposed to, i dont like the fact that wasnt my independent decision to do this, but it was our "joint" decision. i feel like he just went on this diet "with me" but its just a diet thats "for me" and hes just joining in and trying not to make me feel bad.

like im sitting here, trying to support this 'man' and hes just breaking me down and i dont feel supported at all. he tells me he envies me and he thinks im better than him in deen, and idk if picking on my body is his little tactic to get back at me but that is how it feels. and idk if he does it consciously or unconsciously, but i sure as hell know that it makes me trust him less and less.

the one thing a halal relationship should do is normalise feeling good in your body, not worse than when you were first married. like the other day, i full took the time out of my day when i had stuff due to take photos of myself in this sexy white dress and send them to him and then at the end of the day, we dont have s*x bc he says he "forgot [you] sent the photos" like is there any other way to make a woman feel so unsexy and undesired??? wouldnt that tempt women to seek it elsewhere??

and it doesnt help that he has serious case of madonna-whore complex and is starting to ejaculate faster. it also doesnt help that he needs to have a script written in his head to ejaculate in the first place. like i dont think its his anxiety, its the fact that hes consumed so much soft porn in his life and masturbated to it no matter how much he denies it, and now i feel like a poster on the wall where he just jerks off to his fantasies. idek if im the one hes fantasising about, god knows if hes lying to me about that.

point is, his gym suggestions may seem light to him, but they really hurt me, not just bc of their delivery but bc i would never say that about someone's body. and then all the fantasising during sex didnt used to bother me, but now theyre really starting to get to me. and i dont feel sexy in the moment. i feel like hes just cutting+pasting body parts that hes seen in the past of other women onto my face in his fantasies and then ejaculating. and thats the worst part bc i acc think thats whats happening.