life updates for anyone who cares

feeling a lot better

so today, me and some old school friends W and S met up after a LOOOOONG time and i had such a good time venting to somebody who was already married about the struggles of marriage. its just so helpful and less burdensome. but it reminded me of school and how much i thought i would never meet these people again, and here i am, enjoying their company. TBH, S.T is not the best company to have around bc she is sort of like amna, she knows everyone and she has intel on everyone. so i largely try to stay quiet around her and reduce my secret-revealing bc otherwise, she has a pretty big mouth. anyway she told me that khad**ja got married to this guy from our school,... and his whole group was like bil*l fauzi, bil*l  jan and najem and all them and damn it was so weirdly nostalgic and at the same time i didnt like how i wasnt invited.. but tbh, its not like i maintained any contact with them

mainly bc they all worshipped anush* which is what turned me off khad**ja and S.T. idk what S.T still thinks of anush* but i think she still vibes with her, and until she stop vibing with her, im not gonna be that close to her for that reason.

im using linkedin alot these days and its just making me see all these people from school and others who have such cool jobs. i dont really know where im going with this, i guess thats the best part. but i really like W.A, she got diagnosed with autism and ADHD which for some reason makes me think she is harmless. but idk that yet and ive got to tread carefully with S.T, even tho i like her. bc ik of her potential to be a snake when she gets jealous or doesnt get her way. and i remember that she randomly spread this rumor about me to toobah, which ik she remembers. but it was so shitty of her to do that, but ik she does tend to get like that at times. idk what made her that way, so distrsutful and snakey to people, but i gotta watch out. bc a believer doesnt fall into the same hole twice. and so, ive got to be vigilant

i messaged khad**ja but honestly i think it was a mistake, bc i feel like im gonna be ostracised again with her and her best friend h*mna so idrc about that friendship, i just wanna go to her wedding. but i will still meet her, and see what shes about, if we still vibe or nah. if we do, cool. if we dont, cool. bc i still have time until my walima to invite people.

but hanging out with W.A and S.T was really fun today, bc it was outside of somebody that wasnt my family or my in-laws and it was very refreshing for that reason. idk i felt so safe alhamdulilah i didnt feel on guard even tho i just naturally dont trust S.T bc of her previous actions. and many times she pretends to be friends with me, and then snakes me so im very careful. but im careful about people from school in general. 

also, W.A's oldest sister is such a vibe and cool to hang with. i like her too, i feel like we suffer with the same issue of striving too high or like lack of boundaries lol but anyways, shes a recruiter. and im so interested in my own growth of being able to talk to her like a peer and not feeling less-than, like i did back in school. im so happy that i can be professional and friendly when need be and also like normal otherwise. i like seeing myself in this transition and ive realised that no matter what, ava, youve got to like yourself even if nobody else does. bc who else is gonna deal with your crap and your complexes like you? nobody. and so, this is a journey of a lifetime, and darling, we are here for a long time, so you better learn to enjoy it