life updates for anyone who cares

eid & the in-laws

so alhamdulilah i had a really good eid this time, ever since being married, since we were at my parents' place on the eve of eid and we prayed eid prayer with them - but my MIL had to make a big deal out of it. she full called my husband and told him that '[he] should be here bc eid is supposed to be with family'(so what the hell is my family then???) anyways and then she goes on and says "[i] should be helping me in the kitchen and [my family] should know better' and thats what got to me.

theres smth wrong with my MIL where she thinks shes the only one with a family or that wants to be around family esp in times like these: eid. but im glad we were with my parents at the eve of eid bc i acc had  funthis time unlike the last 3 eids where it was just me in the kitchen pretty much bc thats how it is in your in-laws' house- i cant wait to move out.

rn im listening to 'katara's love' and im thrown back to the last time i watched avatar and cried for a whole 1 hour to this as i typed in this journal back in 2020 when i was crying about my sister , i still remember the entry i was doing.

anyways, im going to talk to her about this bc she has no right to believe that shes the only one that can want all her kids with her in times like these, and im not obligated to her in anyway- but when she says stuff like this it really pisses me off.

when we came home, she was so fake-happy and smiling and putting on a show when i would've been happy if she had just been honest with her emotions instead of acting like everything was fine. 

i will definitely talk to her iA tomorrow bc my husband told me to sleep on it and not be emotional so i will follow his advice, bc i may some things now that will not be good for our relo in the long-term but it needs to be said.

theres some things about her i cannot deal with for eg. how she deals with her daughter vs me and J and i understand we're not her daughters, well then she isnt my mum, and that means i gotta tell her whats bothering me about her mindset.

yesterday me and J were talking about our first impressions of each other and what my MIL thought, and she told me that my MIL thought i was 'useless' and 'unhelpful' bc i didnt get up to help them in THEIR house...?

what in the actual hell is going on here. like acc no respect for guests. like wth 

you dont expect your guests to get up and help you, no matter who it is, especially if they're as sick as i was on the day that i met them. i just find it weird how these expectations are upheld in this house.

if i go to my MIL's daughter's house i have to help, if im hosting in my own house, i have to do it. like wth happened to being a guest? and what happened to the manners involved when your guests are home?

youre not supposed to let your guests TOUCH  a single thing, not order them around like they owe you free labour. what pisses me off more about this expectation of hers is that she doesnt help around when shes at someone else's place but she expects it??? thats the worst part 

anyway, i had to be negative here instead of somewhere else and this is really therapeutic while listening to katara's love.

moreover, i saw my sister last night and she looked amazing, pretty and peaceful allahuma barek. good for her, im happy that shes happy. bc that means shes not plotting anyone else's dismay - which is always good news. but idk why it made me also deeply sad to see her doing so well. im not acc sure why.

its not bc i dont wish the best for her, but i think seeing her single and happy made me miss my own single-ness, when i didnt worry abotu stupid stuff that i worry about now, when i wasnt so serious and boring, when i used to wear makeup and dress however i pleased. now i feel restricted by everyone's expectations of me and im honestly sick of it.

it made me sad to see her bc it reminded me of old ava. alhamdulilah we are on better terms now, bc ik shes growing and i sneaked into her diary and found that shes truly working on herself and her shadow self so good for her. i will always encourage that. and it sparked an anger in me towards myself. bc i stopped developing my inner self  a long time ago but im back on my game iA.

idk exactly where im going to start, but the fact that my granny flat didnt work out despite it standing there is the proof in the pudding that Allah wants me to learn certain lessons with my MIL; particularly communication and patience.

ive grown a lot these past two years and at the same time i havent given myself time to heal or really ponder over the Quraan, Allah and His creation. it makes me a bit sad, but it jolted me back to reality a little bit. i gotta stop living in the past. i gotta start living in the present - be happy enjoy life.

and be myself.