life updates for anyone who cares

feel like im floating in the wind

i feel like im losing my identity the more i hang around my husband... its so bad that i start to literally yearn for him even if hes only gone for 4-5  hours. this is not who i am, this is not okay.

i havent had my me time in a long time and im always celebrating when hes out bc that means i can do anything i want (Except uni) and just go with the flow with no one to stop me

when he told me to "tone up" etc ever since then, ive felt so unconfident in myself i cant even explain it. and tbh hes quite immature sometimes i really do feel like punching him in the face or head and i have to imagine stabbing him multiple times in the back to get over smth. but yesterday or two days before, he ejaculated very early and i didnt get to orgasm, so i told him jokingly "dont talk to me until you can give it to me properly, i dont talk to beta males" and he got offended at that (which he should)... even though it was a joke and ik he can make me orgasm, i liked the fact that i hurt his feelings bc thats exactly how i felt when he keeps giving me stupid fitness advice like i aint been doing this for long. he said it was a "tasteless joke" honestly idc that it was or wasnt, but  he deserves to know that you cant just say whatever youre thinking. and then he said my sorry was "next to nothing" LOOOOOOOOL says the one who cant keep his promises and/or keeps apologising bc they keep messing up. its just so silly how he acts like im making majority of the mistakes... like i have to tell him repeatedly to do many things but god forbid i do smth wrong, then its "your sorry is next to nothing" bro...no

he just wants to run away from life and reality and hates that i tell him to do uni work etc or even just work... and thats very annoying and then when he comes home and wrecks everything i feel like gouging his eyes out so much... i think i just might one day. 

but at the same time, i admit ive been lazy with my fitness goals and being okay with the plateau but now alhamdulilah im back in the groove bc of these classes at my girls' gym which i absolutely love. the first day i went there, cant lie, many of them are quite judgmental, but theres so many nice people in my area, its hard not to love. 

i just dont like that i allow my husband to have so much control over me, bc at the end of the day, no one can alter your mood etc unless you let them (obvs not always) but i think what im really irritated about is that hes lazy and when i look at him, i lose my motivation to do anything. but slowly, im finding my power again. i leave for the gym while hes asleep so no one stops me, then i come back home, we eat smth small together and he goes to work.... then i get 4-5 hours of uni work done alhamdulilah.

its only been a week ive been doing this but i know it will work if i keep at it.

i cant let him drag me down, i have to bring him up. but honestly its a lot harder than it sounds. 

also, ive noticed my husband loves to put me down in front of his family, to show his prowess over me... and then he gets pissed that im not okay with that. today we talked about it, and i told him that he needs to stop trying me in public, if he doesnt want to see me "put him down" etc. and he agreed that he tried to snipe at me in public to look bigger than me etc..

its just so weird that he does that honestly i really hate it when he does, and if he expects me to just "take it"... that i will not darling

anyways im quite tired of ranting about him , i just got off a 1 hour and 20 mins call to my parents and honestly im sick of hearing well-intentioned advice as well. bc im trying my frkn best to be a good DIL but everytime i hear a tip etc it grinds me up like pls i dont want to hear how i can be better,... this is not why i tell them stuff.

*sigh* but anyways its quite late and i wanna go to a class tomorrow iA