life updates for anyone who cares

do i take myself too seriously?

yes, yes i do.

which is why i let trolls get to me. how can i be confident and develop a thick layer of skin that lets me do whatever I want without feeling any type of way or thinking about how it makes others feel?

well, i better learn so bc if im gonna be big, i need to keep this basic rule in mind - i'd like to say im improving (bc i make tiktoks and idrc what anyone around me says regarding how cringey it is bc ik once im big, they're gonna come running back and also 'creating' content)

but ye ive realised its bc i subconsciously get ptsd from the gaslighting that happened to me in year 12 by that witch a*****a and her dumbass friends. but its been three years now so i must stop blaming them for my problems. but also its like.... i have to recognise where this problem originated and it is during those times where the lines between playful banter and outright disrespect blurred

i think i can take some jokes from specific people or people i dont really know (for eg on the internet) but trolls like my brother or anusha, really drive me nuts. like i get so triggered that i realise im being made fun off but really its a thirst trap - im elevating their shitty status while lowering mine when really i could just smile  and/or agree and firstly, neutralise the situation or secondly, elevate my charisma even more whilst appearing calm... i make other people respect me and stand up for me bc the troll is finally looking stupid.

such are  the 'perks' of a  powerful person; you cant play dirty anymore. not in public at least. smile and sneak diss them from behind, never to their face. you elevate your status and charisma and make them look stupid - which is acc the best look

and this is what ive learnt in the past week, so my new practice is really to become hydrophobic like oil, to the water that is useless criticism - to become impenetrable by shitty people and frkn trolls bc im gonna be famous and big and for that; i need guts. and guts can only come from thick skin which i will need  to cultivate.

trolls are a test of faith fr.

and i will  pass this test bc mama aint raise no witch.

but tbh it also bc i shouldnt be worried about trolls. thing is, im not sick in the head to be so jobless and useless that i h8 on people when i could be doing better things with my life and so to understand their psychology, you have to understand schadenfreude. and i cant  believe i didnt do it earlier - but ye schadenfreude is a real thing and it basically is the diagnosis for internet trolls. jealousy and hatred that is displayed SIMPLY to level the playing field.

and i say this as a former-hater, bc ik how it feels to feel so empty inside that you need to tear others down bc they make you feel inferior and bothered with their success -  i went to the lowest point in my depression bc of it. so i have somewhat lived the troll life

but i never realised that a positive attitude and ignoring can neutralise that behaviour. infact, acting 'as  if'  increases charisma in both admirable and hateful settings, its crazy how that works but ik it works bc its like 'meh ofc you like me' or 'meh idc if you dont'

its really that straightforward