life updates for anyone who cares

pressure pressure...

now, i understand we all have our 'tRaUmAtIc' histories with the worst type of people, but possibly the worst thing we do.. is to put everyone else in that category and secondly, expect everyone else to do what we expect that one person to do.

exhibit A, my SIL, J. J is not a fan favourite amongst my in-laws... be it due to her laziness, or the fact that she doesnt really invite us over unless my MIL asks my BIL to arrange smth.. or it could be that slowly my SIL has really gotten on their every last nerve where even her mere existence is annoying to my MIL. regardless, bc of their experience with her, they want me, somebody totally unrelated and very different to her, to get a job just bc, cook, clean AND do my groceries as well. that last one really annoyed me.

today i was telling my husband if he could get some groceries on the way, just bc i feel that groceries take too much time, and are just not my favourite thing to do. i do everything else tho, so its a bit silly to expect me to do this too.

my husband was gone with his dad somewhere for a meeting, and he was rushing them... (which i told him not to, i told my husband to just tell my BIL to get them since he was at home, and he did end up getting them anyway).

but the part that annoyed me most was that my FIL really said to my husband to "stop doing wife things", (i.e cooking, cleaning and buying groceries, all things he made sure to mention) let me just interrupt, he doesn't cook regularly, he just cooks whenever he feels like it, he definitely does not clean .. so the last thing he can do for me is get the groceries??? like why is that such an issue? and why is it that my FIL feels the need to interfere...like i have a life outside of this housework. 

and this is why i understand why J refused to do housework, bc of of all these other expectations that shouldn't be tied to SAHM but are. and its just silly. like seriously, if i thought a little bit of cleaning and a little bit of cooking could get me to be a housewife, without a husband, i wouldve done it ages ago. wouldnt have to get married for it. 

idk i just dont think groceries are a big deal. the men are already always outside, so why dont they do it?

its just so irritating honestly.

but tbh... when i thought about it... my FIL always asks me if i need smth from the shops, so i tried to look at it objectively and built a picture in my head, knowing both my husband and FIL. ik my husband would've started rushing them from so far away (bc he wanted to get home), that my FIL was wondering what the rush was  about .. and my husband told him i wanted groceries and my FIL thought i was rushing him from there just for groceries but i told my husband not to such a thing bc i knew what it would look like.

in other news, im pretty over that situation, but i feel myself being more careful around everyone atm. just bc ik i will always be in the "DIL" category. and i find myself relating to the lyrics of pressure in encanto more and more everyday, specifically "im pretty sure im worthless, if i cant be of service" even tho i understand we dont exist for ourselves but still whats the middle lane?

idek what im supposed to be doing but i think applying to jobs will get me out of my head 

i realised my FIL wanted to spend more time at his daughter's and his SIL place and alhamdulilah it didnt get to me as much as i thought it would. i would wish that he wanted to be with us, my husband and my BIL but i guess not. idk it didnt bother me much, as i promised myself i would try not to compete over stupid things

and competing over biology is stupid. ofc he wanted to go to his daughter's place, its his daughter and no matter how amazing i am, i will never magically become their daughter. and thats okay, and i have to learn to be okay with that. ik my FIL is really struggling without my MIL here so he should go to his daughter's place whenever he wants, without any pressure and that shouldnt hurt me. if you have to grab onto people to keep them close, they arent meant to be close - simple as that. thats the same ideology I apply with my SIL, J, and now with everyone.

alhamdulilah ive made my place in the family as best as i could and sometimes even compromised my won comfort, but sometimes you gotta, to grow. but anyway, there is noting i can do in this world that will make my in-laws "love" me more than they love their family, and i shouldnt demonise them over it.

the same way i cant forget some things my MIL has said about J, is the same way she wont forget things ive said vs the things ive forgotten my mum has told me over the years, all the scoldings etc and so - in the same way, even i cannot escape biology. and there is nothing wrong with that.

i can only do my best to be a good person, and do good for the sake of Allah and not for the sake of "fitting in" or whatever the crap.  i just gotta change my intention iA