life updates for anyone who cares

slave mentality

so today i had an argument with this dumbass twitter b*tch who is just as tacky and petty as i am. and i should've seen it coming.

bc she is just as tacky and petty with everyone else.

why did i expect anything else?

thing is, i didnt really, but it still hurt.

the fact that she blocked me off her story is not what bothered me; what bothered me was my heart rate and my desperate salvage of that thinning relationship. i feel disgusting. i violated mysellf. for who?

 a twitter b*tch.

why

bc im a cowardly b*tch. and i hate confrontations.

and even tho im a big rally supporter of self-respect over relationships; i fail to follow thru.

my tayaa jaan is at our house rn, and i realise what a scaredy cat i am. people stand up to their families, no matter what, when they feel their rights are being violated.

and i cant even try to convince anyone to change their mind. bc im a coward. im scared of what they might retaliate with. i can make light-hearted jokes thank goodness, but for the most part. i am a coward.

and i hate that b*tch bc she made me face myself.

she made me realise how big of a loser i am and i hate her for it

 but most of all. i hate myself.

i love thinking of myself as this extremely logical creature who has no logical fallacies etc but truth is i am a scaredy cat. and i have been for as long as i remember.

but i also know that everyone feels fear. and that the frog aint gonna get prettier the more you look at it and somehow still, i find myself in this predicament every now and then.

and this is also why i hate being a pakistani. bc i KNOW its in my genetics to be such a coward. pakistanis are cowards and we all know this bc well history. i find myself never really hating rules

i find myself agreeing and following thru with culture even if its ugly. i find myself under the command of traditions and customs even while claiming that i only  care about religion.

i say divorced women should get be able to get married again without any problems and yet i understand why a divorced woman doesnt get married bc im in the red pill community and all this cognitive dissonance is frying my brain and i hate it here. i really do.

thats why i need to find a justification for this or solve it somehow. that means i need to have the spine it requires to carry the truth. i reminisce about my year 9 days, once again. where i was fearless, untouchable, powerful... even if i was a first generation feminist.

and maybe thats why i was so strong?  idk.

i find myself in this constant mental tug-of-war for the most menial of things; even if they sprout from a basic twitter girl.

but maybe it wasn't menial. bc it showed me who i was? i was trying to be nice to her so i could try to save a relo that acc wasnt there to begin with so i came up with a new rule that hopefully i will follow:

1. argue with people at least once; to know who they are and what they really think of you.

that doesn't mean it has to be smth petty. make it smth real, smth that is arguable and then place your opinion. like my taaya jaan said im not a mature 20 yo and tbh that triggered me. but not enough to standup for myself.

why?

bc im scaredy cat. but im not going to be. in 2020, i will be a fierce cat. idc. aint nobody going nowhere being a pushover, and its funny how the qualities i was looked down for in year  9/10 are acc what are needed for a successful woman in this century. and im gonna become her.

with all her bakwaas and all her masculinity. bc thats who i am. i am androgynous. i have always been confusing.  .. and confused. but ive been trying so hard to suppress my masculinity.. not realising that the right guy will naturally make me feel submissive and that those masculine qualities made me a well-rounded woman. and instead of embracing them, im suppressing them. and that is where my cowardice is coming from.

if i can't love myself as i am... why should anyone else?

if i dont believe in me... why do i expect others to?

if i dont follow my own rules... why should anyone else?