life updates for anyone who cares

back at it - loa

so!!! its been a rough 5 months or so of falling off the wagon, kinda losing myself, and then finding myself again and here i am... back to loa. where i began to feel happy again. where i started to believe in Islam with more potency and understanding.

i got here thru helping my husband read psychocybernetics - which honestly is an amazing book even tho i havent read it,... it gives me hope to see my husband taking lessons from it and turning his failure mechanism into a success mechanism and i realised smth: Allah has given me so much strength that i have built and re-built myself without anyone else's help but His, and i help other build and rebuild themselves and that is my power as a psychologist as well.

when i realised that i am the only one ive really got after ALLAH ofc... everything changed. it was just an epiphany. i came across a tiktok that said "they tried to hurt the girl who has built and rebuilt herself all on her own" and i was like" thats me".

like i am seriously that girl.

ive realised that when i help people find themselves, i find a piece of myself as well. maybe a shadow part of me; a part i havent accepted, or dont water enough in myself. for eg. i realised that this part of me can very easily become quite co-dependent and make me lose myself in the other person's "grass" whilst forgetting my own, bc there is validation that i get from it that i feel i dont get from my own grass.

and that is what happened, i noticed this pattern again with me telling my husband he needed to clean up after himself, or stop playing computer games, or do uni... this makes you treat that person like a project and then you start associating yourself with how well you've done your "project" but we forget that if we dont give people the autonomy AND space to practise new habits, they will never learn and we will always have to keep reminding them.

so my new practice is going to be: instead of getting frustrated when he doesnt clean up after himself etc (bc honestly, he does sometimes do it without me telling him and i make sure i acknowledge it bc men are little boys inside), im going to calmly remind him to clean up until it becomes a habit iA.

and i have to remind myself to EXPECT good from him so that i RECEIVE good from him. if i always expect he wont do smth, then he automatically wont. vs if i do... and he doesnt then i get the chance to tell him that he is better than these bad habits and that he is a high value man and should treat himself as such. do you get me?

but the expectation needs to change and thats on my side.

but honestly, hearing how much focusing on mental health has helped my husband focus on himself and so has helped me realise that i need to take care of myself.

if the LORD of the UNIVERSE has given me special attention where He listens and knows everything that I'm feeling/thinking.... then why shouldnt i?

why am i neglecting myself?

i need to show up better in the world so i can do better in the world.

not be a sacrificial lamb for anyone.

another thing that ive decided to change is my intention of doing things. for eg. i vacuum my in-laws' the house almost daily and theres a part of me that hopes they recognise but the truth is... i do this for myself. I'M the one that cant function in chaos/clutter, not them. so i simply refurbished the downstairs area to suit me... not them. and its not selfish bc they loved what i did with the place but this reminds me to do these things for the sake of ALLAH and nobody else, not even me. 

another thing i realised is that i will never want things that im not already built for: for eg. wanting abs and big a$$ is just a matter of time and not bc i cant reach it... thats such a lazy way to think of it. also considering ive had 2-4 abs before back in year 9 and that was when i never went to the gym and just focussed on diet.

currnetly im on paleo with my husband but today i kinda cheated bc i had a cookie but honestly i dont crave it anymore and im not being too restrictive like if i crave anything i probably will have it... obviously in controlled amounts. its better than thinking about thinking about your craving every waking moment. its better to satisfy your craving and then continue your diet.

anyway. same with me wanting to be a psychologist, a relationship counsellor, being good at makeup (which i acc manifested by just believing in myself and telling myself that its easy and nothing hard and literally in 3-5 tries im so good at it alhamdulilah)

same way i believed in myself during hsc and got into uni with a 93 and an atar of 87!!!!! which i never could have conceived but i literally did and in the same way... my a$$ has so much potential im nowhere near where i need to be. just 2-4 months of consistent training and eating healthy will get me there iA.

i need to visualise myself with a fat a$$ dumptruck that walks in after i walk in

and my abs can be pulled back if i use my core for my posture instead of my back and shoulder blades bc thats what i did in year 9, instead of just relying on ab workouts

ik ill get there i just need to put in the work and really believe in myself and see that a$$ on me along with the toned stomach. i have beautiful big and toned legs and glutes. it gets people taking double takes and thats what i strive for.

i dont bloat anymore bc i have yoghurt, chia seeds and flax seeds as well as my vitamins everyday as well as maca powder. all of this fuels my workouts and recovery after my workouts. my gut health is amazing ang im always so happy alhamdulilah