life updates for anyone who cares

ill settle for the ghost of you...

randomly i get these pangs of nostalgia with my time with ex-friends like A.Z, M.H from perth and Z.M from new zealand... and today it came crashing down on me when i heard that A.Z had gotten married and i saw a photo of her with her husband.. i just cant get it out of my head.

ik it sounds bad but i keep seeing it in my head and i wish i could get it out of my head but even during s*xy times, it was plastered in my conscious which is when i knew it was getting bad.

im so tired of going into depth for everything thats why you may have realised ive reduced going into detail for a lot of things in my past year's entries bc i feel like i dont have "time" for it but truth is, i have to make time for this.

im not close to God, idk who i am and idk what i want anymore. idk if im getting into honours or if im ever gonna make money - which freaks me out sometimes. idk how the hell we're gonna get this food business out of the ground... without some type of miracle. and more than anything, i hate how negative im being again. 

i miss loa and wanting to do life and being excited to try new things... like i dont wanna be jaded but today we went to see a new food trailer and the owners needed to go back to columbia, and they looked so done with it... it was upsetting to see them so over life and they were so young like us and wallah nothing hurts me more.

but more than that, my husband told me that all this tender love i have i can only give to God bc only He will multiply it for me like i would like to see it and more than that, the way A.Z has literally snubbed me out of her life..bruh she could die for all i care. wth.

idc if that is being egotistical.. and in the same way J.F from school can also just die and everyone that ever just snubbed me can go die. for now, all these idiots are dead to me

idek what to write here anymore except that im pretty much done and feeling hella jaded. but i need to come out of this slump, and exercise helps greatly but its not the cause. ive started reading Quraan and praying and etc but the spiritual connection is so off, i feel dead inside. 

in other news, i wanna do all these things with my body - for eg. i wanna learn dancing, martial arts and proper military training. and i wanan start eating plant-based and reduce meat bc the prophet SAW only rarely ate meat and they all used to have wars with the vegetarian diet they were in. also, vegies increase bone density and help against things like osteoporosis which is what i need if im gonna go do whatever i want with my body