life updates for anyone who cares

feel out of it + ramadan is coming

ye im feeling very out of it. the whole of last week i didnt go gym bc i had so many things due and my husband didnt make anything any easier by bothering me constantly. now we're on a paleo diet for a week or so... lets see how it goes.

my husband and i talked about a lot of things, mainly about how i felt "like a man" bc im always getting him up for breakfast and just telling him to do regular degular things like one does with one's child... not husband.

and i told him this and he got offended and starting saying things like "everything youve just mentioned is standard wife stuff" and i just stared at him like no it truly isnt. this is the stuff that gets in the way of intimacy and understanding your partner. he knows i cant think in clutter and yet refuses to clean up after himself on his own, without me reminding him. and i told him that if he wants to bring Islam into it, i can do that too. but the Prophet SAW never used to leave his clothes lying around, and his socks and shoes blocking everyone's path. so even if he wants me to or other people want me to... im not cleaning up after a GROWN ass man. it is not only beneath me, but beneath him too. and i need him to understand this.

and then i told him that iA when we have kids... i dont want to pick up after them AND him bc thats just not how i want to see him and i dont want to do it. can i do it? ofc. i can do anything. but that doesnt mean that i should just bc i am a wife. i dont complain about cleaning the  bed or making the food even tho its highly inconveniencing to my schedule. but cleaning up after him? telling him to get ready on time? its too much for me.

bc i dont want to command my husband, i dont want to lead, even in simple things. but when i have to, i feel depleted. and lately i feel so far away from Allah that i dont feel any emotions anymore... during s*x or when hes being sweet to me. i need to get closer to Allah and just get it right. Ramadan is coming closer and closer and i want to be ready for it iA

i cant even get myself to cry unless im very hurt by him. idk how im feeling currently, it kind of feels like spiritual coma. but i hope to get better iA