life updates for anyone who cares

rishta said no <3

love that for me!!! but no honestly when my mum told me he said no, i literally shrugged and said "oh okay" bc my istikihara has become clear. the same way my istikhara became clear when i had to go to malaysia (i was meant to be there rn) but i regretted my decision of making it in session 2 instead of session 1. but look what happened?

session 1 we got corona, so had i picked that session to go to malaysia.. i would probably have been afflicted with corona AND not been able to see my family. Allah is the best of the Planners. there is a good reasons that this has happened and i have to accept it. and lowkey i have tbh, but  maybe im avoiding it too much and not properly processing everything and thats why i was so nonchalant about it?

non-chalant doesnt mean it didnt bother me.. maybe it lowkey did. but as long as it doesnt touch my self-esteem.. im good. ive been feeling so good lately and no lies... i was imagining myself in scenarios with him bc hey, he was quite attractive even if he walks funny :') but ye i imagined putting a durag on him and everything and us turning up to events dressed up etc and looking like the 'it' couple.

i tried to manifest it as best as possible.. and you know what? it wasnt meant to be. and i have to be okay with that. and i think i am for the most part.. maybe i lowkey saw it coming bc his obsession with his mum was crazy, disturbing and lowkey creepy. and im pretty sure the other girls it "didnt work out with" felt the same. he has a lot to work on before he can think about getting married.

he wasnt even listening to what i said on our second date.. if hes already tuning out and making me feel like im nagging.. theres smth thats not right. that means hes not trying to understand. and thats not just a compatibility issue. he wanted it to be easy and my dad saw thru that and he called him out for it.

but im grateful for the experience. and i say that  from my heart. i truly felt courted, i didnt feel forced (except for some aspects, but then i felt supported), and i felt appreciated and beautiful during the entire process. he was such a gentleman, may Allah bless him. i felt courted, i felt wanted. i felt alive. and i have to give them credit for making me feel like that. both him and his family. they did right by me, even if it didnt work out. and whoever goes to their house is gonna be a lucky girl, in shaa Allah. ofc AFTER the rishta does some growing up and understanding his unhealthy relationship with his mum.

bc they were so generous and honestly so kind, i felt lucky to have the rishta. which is quite astonishing bc i didnt really wanna meet them. but anyway. ik that better is coming. and this was just another 'step' in the ladder of greatness, maybe thats dehumanising... who cares? at the beginning of the year i had w**** and rn i had a** b***... both attractive pakis.. and now its onto the next. Allah is preparing me for the true man that is meant for me. and he cleared this rishta out of the way so my actual king can come for me.

and He's showing me my standards too. and its not like it ended on superficial matters like oh hes ugly (even tho that is a dealbreaker), or that hes 5'9 or paki.. it was on a genuine matter. but anyway. i wish him and his family the best  with the house. but ye im kind of sad that i lost an attractive guy ngl, his body was nice too but.. we move. it is what it is.