life updates for anyone who cares

dont feel beautiful.

so i did that thing.

that thing that you do when your curiousity gets the better of you and you snoop thru your husband's google photos and you find weed, cigars and a picture of kylie and kendall in bikinis but you also find a whatsapp chat that says "my question is, when theres beautiful women on insta waiting for nuts to be bust... why are there still gay people?"

and idk what to find horrid. the language or the fact that he said those same beautiful girls are "probably stink and dirty" ... so when he calls me beautiful what am i to believe?

i dont believe a word he says and it makes me so bad and terrible i just feel like crying everytime i think about it. i cant stop thinking about it.

ive already mentioned it to him but he told me not to snoop around and to forgo my curiousity for the sake of Allah and this relationship... but with everything that hes said to me about my body and how i need to eat and go gym and then i see this on his whatsapp (which was one month before we met in november)

its like im already fighting with my nafs based on my looks and how i cant wear tight clothes etc and then i see naked girls on insta being called beautiful and it just hurts me to my core. i have never felt this hurt and betrayed.

like yes, ive made mistakes too. and im not even talking about his masturbation back in the day - surprisingly that doesnt bother me. but he admitted to me that he did it a few times and never wants to go back. but honestly it doesnt feel right.

i just dont believe anything he says anymore. i feel cheated on.

when he calls them beautiful and then says to me " youre the most beautiful girl ive ever seen" how can i believe him?

its like when you and other student does the same project but you spend more effort on it than the other and then you both get applauded even tho the other one didnt even do it right.

ik its deen over dunya... if i didnt know.. i'd be a dancer, a singer, a model etc. bc ive been told by strangers and i believe im good at all of these things. but i didnt, bc i care more about Allah than i do about my fleeting nafs.

but one person is doing things for Allah, and other is doing it for their nafs and aiding the plot of shaytan and you both are being called beautiful... how degrading does that feel?

and im not saying i prefer him calling them hoes and the b-word or anything but beautiful is not it either

and ik the first mistake i made is expecting a man to validate me... but honestly hes not just another man, hes my husband.

and when i told him that i saw the message... he wasnt that remorseful... he just said "uhm.. yeah so ive seen a lot of beautiful women" and i nodded bc i dont want to seem/be insecure and then says "and ive seen a lot of bums" etc honestly i dont even remember the conversation but it was so fruitless and i still felt like absolute crap after it. 

i checked his insta and he didnt have anything on it alhamdulilah but ik its a past sin and hes repented but he didnt do right by himself when he went thru that and he didnt do right by me either. so i just dont feel like i have all of him. bc hes used his sexual energy on women he will never be with.

i dont wanna talk to him, i dont wanna look at him bc everytime i do, i just remember the chat and i feel like crying again im so tired of wearing a mask of unbotheredness. 

but i need to spring back and be myself and be confident bc this is not it. this is trash and i need to work on myself and my insecurities and stop letting him dictate how i feel. this is absolute sh*t and i dont like it. but alhamdulilah for everything

****update****

i just couldnt look at him straight in the eye bc i feel betrayed. my trust in him is so fickle, i dont believe anything he says to me anymore. but yesterday we talked about it for a third time, when he said "you think im corrupt bc i did that back in the day.." and i nodded yes "and then he said but i disagree..its like a past junkie changing his ways. if you dig deep into his history and you find he was a junkie and he isnt anymore and then say "are you a junkie" you would be wrong" which is a fair comparison i believe, and makes sense too.

and then i told him it wasnt about the masturbation... it was about the fact that you called them beautiful.. and then turn around and call me beautiful as well. but it doesnt make sense, bc one person is doing things for Allah and the other is aiding the plot of shaytaan, and you've fallen for it by calling that 'beautiful' so why would i believe you?

and then he says, 'hmmm so you feel that youre not beautiful bc youre not on the plot of shaytaan" and i shook my head yes and then he explained to me that "saying smth is beautiful in a general way is different to telling someone theyre beautiful to their face...like for eg. ill say that car is beautiful etc it doesnt mean anything" but i disagree. beautiful is not a word you just use for anything, its a heavier word than pretty, hot or even sexy. but you chose to say beautiful.

anyways i didnt want to make a big fuss about it. but he reassured me how im more than what he asked for, im smart, im cute, im sexy, im intelligent and can converse with him properly etc and that comparing myself to those insta models would be cutting myself short. and i 1000% agree but idk i was kinda over it until yesterday he went for i'tikaaf and also went to ramadan markets with his friend for the deer burger and sahlaab

when he came back at fajr time, he mentioned how there was "lots of fitnah" etc etc. you know that everytime a man says "tHeReS lOTs oF fiTNaH" there... he was turned on. anyway that made me mad. that he wont take me to lakemba markets bc hes scared everyone will see me, but he'll go there with his friend, still acting like hes single KNOWING what ramadan markets have and the types of people that go there (ie single people ready to mingle, wearing tight clothes, makeup etc etc), its just hypocritical

i asked him before fajr if he lowers his gaze and then said "i do, to the best of my ability" and asked me if i do as well and i said "ye i do" and then he says "ik you do" but honestly idk if he does... bc when we were talking about the whatsapp message, he mentioned how he doesnt even see anyone (ie sexually) he just sees women as people (thank god) and/or if he does start to see them, he realises that it could be somebody's wife which makes him stop looking but thats such a weird reason... but i guess anything that stops a man from thinking about another woman, works.

but he also mentioned after he said he tries his best to lower his gaze that "even if i do gaze upon someone whos wearing smth tight, i hope i wont feel desire for them, may Allah make it so"

and so thats what we  are going to argue about next. its just so irritating like i see men that are attractive but i dont DESIRE them. i can understand that he will see women that are attractive but to say smth like i DESIRE them is to say you take a second look a third look etc etc. and it doesnt make sense for you to make your wife wear a niqab etc and then go out and observe other women. like????????? and ik he doesnt "observe" them but it still pissed me off that he said that, and on top of everything that he has said before as well... it doesnt sit well.

anyways i told him about my boundary and how he isnt going ramadan markets without me, and if im not going then hes not going idc about how many of his friends go, if its one or if its all 12 of them. but hes not going ramadan markets without me anymore.

i thought i wouldnt be crazy about all this woman gazing stuff but honestly its embarrassing to say the least and haram as well to have your "man" looking at other women while hes with you. like imagine having another woman think "even married men cant resist me" ugh gross. not just that, its just embarrassing overall. you can do everything right and still have your man have a wandering eye, may Allah not make my husband have a wandering eye.

but alhamdulilah he agreed to the boundary and said he would take me ramadan markets so thats great news