life updates for anyone who cares

sexuality and second-hand trauma

so the only tangible positive difference that happened in 2019 is the somewhat naughty side i was able to explore when i kind of let go of my inhibitions.

i did pretty well this year for someone who came from thinking that my ancestors were judging me from up there, and that jinns were constantly laughing at whatever i was doing sensually (feeling myself in clothes, in certain colours, etc) or just dancing, twerking. i had major anxiety even if i was alone. the turning point for me was when i saw a choreography for the song 'kelly' by pumpfidence, i was and still am so mesmerised.

and also i realised my paranoia might just be from second-hand trauma. and by that i mean.. i keep hearing about rape stories and sexual harassment for years that it has conditioned me to mistrust men.

back when i was in school, i was the hannah baker, uno, "big boobs" they used to call me.

and no "kiss, marry, kill" was complete without my name being  in the loop... and this is me without having any guy friends and ZERO contact with any of the guys in my grade. i detached myself from them bc i knew that the more i talked to them, the objectification would not decrease but they would add things like "easy" and "slut" to the list and honestly my reputation is more important than that so i just didn't converse. atleast i could be eye-candy without being also called other derogatory terms. atleast i would be the untoucable candy, and i cant say i didnt enjoy that position. but i wasnt sensual about it and i didnt abuse that power like i could have.

keep in mind i went to a private school and if you know anything about private schools, you know everyone is horny 24/7 bc it is all repressed sexual energy, so i would say the sexual harassment is probably worse.

i mean having two boys discuss anal sex so openly behind you saying "i will definitely do it, idc if its haram" and then the other one curiously asking  "i wonder why it hurts so much for girls" and then the first one answers "why don't we ask ava (me)" ... it does smth to you.

i received this type of treatment without any interaction... so imagine what the girls who were constantly thirsting after these same animals were getting. ye i didn't wanna be a part of that..

anyway i was literally called "big boobs" my entire year 9.. bc a popular girl caught glimpse of me while i was changing in the bathroom and obvs she told the boys and thats how i started to get a lot of attention in year 9. not relevant, but i do think my  interactions since then have been off-putting with boys, bc at the end of the day, i DO want to get married.

and to do that, i cant have an RBF year round even if i really wanted to.. and expect some man to put up with it. bc its funny how girls work. if a man tries to break down our RBF wall and try to get to know us, we immediately cry harassment but then we cry that men don't try hard enough in this generation when men 'leave us alone'.

seeing my classmates get married one by one has scared me im ngl. and the aunties around me only fuel the pressure

'if you keep rejecting proposals, you won't get married'

'there's more girls than guys in the world, so don't settle too late' (id really know what this one means/implies?)

'shes 20, when is she  gonna get married?'

'shes so pretty, here i have another fat rishta for her'

and ye im tired of it.

im not even the 'independent type' and im sick of this sh*t.  i don't believe in feminism, and this still infuriates me.

anyway, anytime i think of marriage, i physically gag and start to cry. i just .. can't. and i can't explain it to anyone else, bc i think by these few entries, you'd probably have guessed that I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS. and so ive  come to wattpad to succumb any type of validation that i can.

anyhow, recently in september, i started talking to this guy on twitter who evoked this sexuality in me that im still exploring. he was anon, just like i was. but he enchanted me bc he awoke this desire and this struggle for sub/dom relationship that i had never explored/looked into before. im still exploring what i prefer.. and my feminine side is telling me sub but there is a dom side and that comes with fellatio.

and even more recently like a month ago probably i realised i might be bi???? that doesnt mean im gonna try anything with a girl bc i respect Islam's boundaries but it is interesting that i felt aroused watching tomboys and dykes with their girlfriends. it made me feel some type of way. i felt the same way i would feel for a guy sexually... but for a girl.

and that really surprises me. but in a really good way, and im proud of how far ive come this year.

i finally danced a little bit at this sleepover that i had with my 'friends' and i felt like myself. i didn't have to force anything, it just came naturally. and i wasn't thinking 'oh they're gonna think im a hoe' nope just went straight in with the moves.

and its just these little things that ive done thruout the year like making sultry poses in the mirror w/o taking photos of it bc i wanted to be in the moment and FEEL that power that comes with losing 20kgs and being hot as hell. im trying to get thru my body image issues rn bc i realise instagram is fake as sh*t. and that that stuff is short-term. and all these 'insta baddies' are just marilyn monroes, hyper-feminine girls who have nothing else but plastic surgery and they'll eventually end up killing themselves just like MM did bc they don't understand their own value.

bc honey, men leaving these girls too. that means its not about the looks.

and thats what i keep telling myself, i fell back into the spiral a couple of times but talking to guys put things in perspective. i'd still want a fat transfer tho ngl.

ive learnt that my ego was getting in the way of exploring my feminine sexual energy which is quite submissive, i was pretty surprised.

and maybe this sounds obvious to many of you, but you have to understand that Muslims have to uphold haya'a which means 'shyness' so it's hard to embody haya'a and also be comfortable/confident in your sexuality and im glad im consciously approaching this journey instead of just accepting the mantra of objectification of women bc rappers and the hypersexualised environment tells us to. bc we all hear these rap songs and feel weird playing it loud, at least i do, and that's bc i wasn't comfortable with being objectified... unless i feel its appropriate and i feel like being objectified. times like this i realised, feminism was onto smth lol.

and ofc how can i NOT bring in machiavellian energy into this i need to use my sexual energy sensually which basically means the 'vibe' of sex but not really sexual innuendos themselves. that means you can fantasise about sex while talking to someone and that energy will ooze out even tho you'd be talking about smth normal. and that person will feel a irresistible pull to you and they won't even know why. this is why vibes are felt, they are not said. they are implied.

classic 'innocent but deadly' bc it's dangerous for women to expose their sexuality like men do and i think that's where feminism went wrong. women sexuality is sensual, it is not physical  but mental. and we need to understand that bc i don't blame men calling women sluts if they display slutty behaviour which basically means displaying their sexuality in a masculine way which is physically promiscuous.

whereas if women just understood that sensuality is more important than a body count in order to be sexual... they wouldn't be called sluts and be on a 'hit list' or a 'cum dump' but they'd be just as effective, if not more bc they utilised men's desire and imagination instead of giving it up to them. and they would be getting these men thru their actual feminine sexual energy, instead of just imitating the men and their sexually expressive behaviour.

that's just my take on the topic.