life updates for anyone who cares

your outer world is a reflection of your inner world

ok, so today i was confronted with my reflection at work.

basically, my coworker (lets call her brit - short for brittany) told me off today passive aggressively about how i interacted with one caller. it was my first call of the day and ive only been doing this for like three months, give me a frkn break.

anywho, she told me that i "cant keep stretching out the hard-to-fill shift bc theyre not meant to be 9-5, theyre meant to be yucky hours" but her tone was severely passive-aggressive. anyway, i dont feel so strongly about it now that im typing it but i thought about what she had said all the way back home and i was like bro???? im a frkn volUNTEER, i DONT get paid for this, whilst SHE does... also i dont have any sort of background in this area of social work so idk what superhuman ability she was expecting me to have but i cant give it to her.

idk tho.

i saw myself in her which is why im not as mad as i probably should be.

otherwise, you know how i get

but tbh, i feel like thats how people think about me. like for eg. brit is a BIG woman, in all senses of the word, shes also got unusual piercings on her face and she looks like she could burst into anger at any moment, in fact i can FEEL that it is seething underneath while i talk to her. and i HATE talking to her.

so i wonder... is this how people feel around me? ik that im self-aware which is why im being quite analytical about brit but other people might just be "feeling" weird around me. damn and i hate this feeling. so imagine how im making others feel? it gives me smth to think about.

anyways, i read a quote the other day which said "if you aren't self-developing, best not start. and if you are self-developing, best not stop" and i cant stop thinking about it. bc no matter how hard i try, or how "annoyed" i get... this journey is as long as life itself. i hope i keep updating this journal bc i definitely want to look back at how much ive grown slowly but surely.

anyway the fact that our outer world is a reflection of our inner world both translates to the fact that we will see only positive if we think positive and vice versa for negative but also the fact that what bothers us... is basically our shadow self screaming and exists inside of us but we choose to not bring it into consciousness which makes us think it isnt there.

it gives a whole new meaning to,  "when you point a finger  at someone, [your] four fingers at pointing at you"

damn i should be a philosopher wth

ive been becoming more esoteric lately (just searched up the meaning, and well, it was not an accurate meaning so i guess ill have to explain it for whoever's reading this) basically getting into the chakras and third eye stuff.

bc i dont want to feel so hot and bothered when im pointed to a new direction of change by my shadow self... bc my ego is just making things difficult.

the fact that our ego will literally hide our traumas so that ur sense of self is not threatened... is so calming and scary at the same time bc we can be so subconsciously AND consciously unaware of what hides underneath.

i feel like "opening my third eye" will really help me deal with this unearthing that happens every few weeks of myself  and hey, the more aware of myself i am, the more i see the world bc well, the outside is a REFLECTION of the inside. i feel like the third eye thing will also debilitate this ego and make me light like air and less attached to this world bc seriously, lately, ive been getting a lot of signs about how chasing fame is elusive and foolish and i highly agree, logically but i am unable to detach emotionally from the tiktok fame that i want.

idek if i want it anymore. idek if i want to strive for anything anymore bc of how elusive it truly is in the grand scheme of things.

but then i am reminded, that i am not here for myself, but for Allah which is grounding and helpful. regardless the only thing stopping me from getting too deep into this is  well, Islam and im not sure if this chakra stuff aligns with it. will have to do my research