life updates for anyone who cares

meeting with my past

so, idk why but after meeting S.T, I decided to message J.F on linkedin, mostly bc i didnt wanna have her phone number bc thats a loser move but also bc she works for deloitte so maybe she could put in a good word for me. idk exactly why i messaged her, but i did. i remember she searched me up on linkedin before and i received a notification for it so thats my power play against her.

anyways im not sure why i want to meet her, ive left the ball in her court, she said she might be able to meet next week, but im not gonna message her first after this also bc ive got my plate pretty full rn and i dont need to meet her. its just an extra thing on the side if i do or if i dont. i told my husband to leave me be like 10 mins ago bc i needed time to myself bc the way im feeling, i cant numb it away with hugs and kisses, it just doesnt work.

i feel like im not good enough for relos and the only way ill be valued is i can be of service, literally.

and my frustration with my sister and my SIL J has always been that they simply have to exist and they'll receive the same, if not more, love than i do. or maybe im just feeling it. but obviously these are all subjective things and theres no way to prove them wrong or right. they are merely what i feel, and yet they feel like reality.

idk if my parentification has anything to do with it, but it most probably does, bc ive learned that i have to be helpful, and there are no other qualities about me that are "likable" or "relo-worthy" 

and im glad all of this is coming to the surface bc it obvs has to. 

i remember when i went to yasmine mogahed's lecture this past friday night, she mentioned that "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional" and honestly, wow. but not just that, she mentioned that pain lets us know what is wrong with our relo with Allah, or with ourselves and numbing it away will not solve the problem. its lke taking the batteries out of the fire alarm, sure the beeping will stop, but the fire wont. and thats what im experiencing rn.

even my deep attachment to my husband, i dont like it one bit. i get so jealous and like he doesnt like my company when he simply wants to hang out with his friends. and i realise that this is just the relationship version of "she has other friends that are not me" that made me unfriend J.F in the first place.

idk exactly what made me msg her and plan to meet her, and i was sure if i wrote it down, i would have a reason. but truly i think this is a madness of the mind trying to reach some type of closure but as if i would bring that situation up again. 

but i wonder what is it about my husband or J.F that made me get so triggered?

is it that i want to be the centre of their universe in which i slowly start taking them for granted as they circle around me? yes

is it that i dont them around anybody else and i want them to myself no matter how suffocating?

is it that i want them to put up with me like i put up with them, constantly and without complaint?

or is it that i think that everytime my husband wants to hang out with his friends it is somehow a jab at me? like as if hes "sick of me" and wants to get away? like the typical wife-husband relo?

idk how to deal with all this except how i always have, by pursuing hyper-independence. for eg. tomorrow is my first work day iA, and i was excited but now i feel so useless and like dumb for still not learning my lesson about people.

im trying to see what Allah is trying to show me and i think it will take me a bit of time this time. but the amount of relief i felt after meeting different people that were not living with me, was immense. and i realised i needed to have that more often. to leave the house, to do other things that are not cooking, cleaning and studying. and im excited to work, not just for the money but also bc i want to become a well-rounded person, i want to represent islam in the courtroom, i wanna see how its all done. 

and my husband tries to be supportive, but honestly, this is not his battle. its mine, and i dont want to tell him all this bc i fear that he may be judging me for it - for talking to J.F after what she did to me. but does J.F even know what she did to me? or did i just create a whole story in my head, told myself the story countless times until it became true and eventually it got me here?

i guess we'll find out. im glad i wrote this down bc its nice to be honest with yourself, no matter how vulnerable. who knows? maybe i wont even like J.F this time to continue anything with her in the first place. but i just dont want to live with regrets. i dont want to have to think "ahhh i wanted to do that and i didnt"