life updates for anyone who cares

i dont feel sexy ...

and its no one's fault but my own.

im not exactly sure how to fix it. but i guess not exercising for the past three weeks has a lot to do with it (shin splints and planter fasciitis kicked in at the same time ugh)

on top of that my husband saying that "im really cute and not a whore at all" and "thats how i like you" but at the same time how are you supposed to have sex with someone you dont find sexy?

im pretty much over it tbh. idec anymore i dont have any tears left to cry or any craps to give.

idc about what he thinks... like i dont even hear it anymore. it just flows thru me.

the thing is, ive always been sexy and i still am but being sexy is not smth you just "turn on" for sex.

it just is a form of being. i dont think guys understand that the "sluts" that do it online...get paid to do so. which is why its their game face. its not bc they're "sexy" its bc they sell sex. like are guys stupid

but at the same time, i feel so scrutinised by him and bc hes so picky over stuff.. he wants me to pose in a certain way or look at a certain direction or move my hips in a certain way.. its just weird. i feel im being directed and i dont feel comfortable being myself

i dont even send him photos anymore... bc he thinks "im trying too hard" or that i "look cute when im trying to be sexy" like wth?

looooool so i just dont try anymore with him but when im alone i dance however i want not caring whos watching and esp. make sure hes not accidentally blessed by my moves bc he doesnt deserve it. 

anyways i wanted to put this somewhere so i regurgitated it here bc its better than telling him tbh. like for why? so he cna feel like he has some control over me? or that he controls how i feel about myself? idek but idrc rn tbh im emotionally drained about this topic that i genuinely dont care. there are no rules to being sexy and if there are... then you arent being sexy, you are just being a poser

and no matter how much he denies it, hes consumed too much insta soft porn for him to know what normal bodies look like and idc to fix that perception

one thing i have realised after 7 months of marriage is tho.... that you will have some isolating experiences, such as this one is for me for example.

and the good thing about that is im not going to feel like this forever, and this whatever it is, is just a feeling. another feeling i can simply choose to feel is undoubtedly sexy.. but without trying bc that is true sexiness. ofc i will dress up and doll up and that is another way to feel sexy but ik this feeling is going to pass and i dont have to accept it as reality.

my reality is whatever i want it to be and i want to feel and be sexy all the time but tbh... i have to feel it first. i have to validate my inner sex first. if i dont validate her... who will?

if i just assume im sexy, my reality will reflect it. my husband will see it as fact and it doesnt matter if i have a little belly. bc sexy has nothing to do with how you look. it is truly how you feel about yourself and ive seen this countless times