life updates for anyone who cares

"friendships" and family

so yesterday was a very emotional day for me honestly. 

firstly, i posted a tweet which said "y'all be terrible friends, your friend doesnt hit you up and you assume its about you bro im losing my mind??????" i posted it on the girls gc and my stupid 'friend' a**a basically ignored it and took  photo of her chargers in her room (bc shes  photographer) and said smth like 'this auntie is so mean' and then she later took a screenshot of the photo that i sent and circled the comment underneath it, like a dumbass - completely ignoring the actual tweet. so my sister said 'bruh youre missing the point' and when she came to me and asked what the tweet was about i told her that when a**a was going thru smth and i asked you to ask her you just said smth like "whatever shes probably gonna laugh it off" and even if thats true, you dont just leave people to struggle like a terrible friend, and then she went quiet. shes not as great as she thinks she is.

anyways, and then ovs she told me the following in a smiling mood bc she thinks she has one over me bc shes 'close' to m****h and she told me how M.Q asked to facetime in regards to her rishta ... and i was like oh ok thats cool, but tbh im overr friendships etc theyre not worth it to me, i water them but i dont get watered back.

and so i left it at that, but this made my sister very happy, shes so toxic and bitter about her life that she thinks she has a one up on me with these stupid things and i just ... dont care.

anyways, as the day went by, M.G also asked 'is everything good, ava?" and i was like 'dw its not worth it' and M.Q also asked me privately if everything's good and my first msg basically told her everything but then i deleted it, bc i realised im putting too much emotion to these friendships where it doesnt belong. and then after deleting the first msg i said 'thanks for asking, dw about it'

anyways and then M.G asked again smth along the lines of "wdym tell us so we know" and so i told them, i told them that this friendship is so shallow and vapid that i dont wanna be a part of it and also we started the tafs*er classes so we could deepen the friendship and now half of you dont even show up" and next msg i said "and a**a cant stop makign dumb jokes that arent even funny, theyre just rude atp" and then M.G obviously fakefully said "ik ITs So bAd I dONt tuRn Up To tHe cLaSsEs, i SWEaR i WILL try" like a dumbass and then she addresses a**a and says that she does make dumb jokes etc and she needs to stop. 

and then a**a started apologising etc for anything that shes said thats hurtful or mean etc. and i literally told her like bro youre literally always making dumb jokes, they just arent funny. its getting retarded now. and in my original msg i also said smth like "idec to ask anymore bc im over it and you're all always 'bUsY' LIKE SHUTUP everyones busy no one gets an award for it0. i ask you all individually at random times how youre doing but nobody asks me that, and none of you are busier than me" 

but honestly M.G is the queen of politics, nothing that she said, she meant. i do think a**a's apology is genuine but i dont think she'll change bc ive told her this before and shes didnt change. 

idek why i recounted everything but seriously i cried alot last night i feel like iem always chasing friendships bc im trying to see what everyone is talkign about but unfortunately, and i dont mean to sound like those dumb people, i genuinely  have a good heart and these idiots dont deserve it. they dont deserve explanations, or tears, or anything from me that indiciates investment.

maybe its exactly like andrew tate said, you gotta let go of the losers to meet the winners. im taking this as not only a sign to detach from people but attach to Allah, bc i LITERALLY have no one. my sister sucks... like literally shes always in a competition with me, and she always throws me under the bus (like ik M.Q is going to ask her why i was saying all that in the gc, and shes gonna give a dishonest and under-the-bus type of answer) bc thats what shes done to me before and continues to. she acts like a victim in front of my cousins, like a little witch and then she manipulates everyone to believing shes a victim. in school, everyone used to call her pretty, and not me - did i care? i literally didnt care and that was my tender age. and i didnt care bc my sister or me, whoever's 'prettier' it doesnt matter, bc shes my sister, so if shes pretty, im pretty if im ugly, shes ugly -- thats how i saw it atleast.

but honestly, isnt it interesting that all this is happening right before i properly focus on my brand? isnt it interesting that this is all happening right before i take care of myself and my family? i dont even wanna talk to them anymore

ofc theyre gonna act remorseful etc. but ive seen this happen before and now its happening again so i'd be the idiotic fool who falls for this crap again. everybody is 'busy' youre not special for that, like seriously shut up. you care about people who care about you.

moreover, i realised and my husband made me realise it, is that i only have my mum and him on my side and thats the truest thing i ever heard bc seriously mama has been very helpful in this whole journey called life. i just feel lighter now that ive got it out of my chest, i also do really feel like its my pregnancy hormones that do be making me cry like this, its getting out of hand. i cried like 6 different times last night.

baba and mama asked us what we would change about being parented and i simply said that baba's negative thinking is now my negative thinking... in the sense that everytime im about to do smth great, i hear baba's voice in the back of my head, replaying and i hate it.. i hate it so much. idc that we weren't rich, i just hate that we weren't more positive, bc so much good has happened in my life bc ive been positive, nothing good really happened when i was always negative and then i started crying like so badly.

just sobbing after i said that. and then i told mama that i feel like i committed a crime if i dont tell her smth first, for eg. the pcos diagnosis i randomly told my friends, and it wasnt a thought-out thing at all. and then my stupid sister told my mum, i guess not thinking - its not like she thinks anyway and then called me and mama said stuff like "i feel useless and worthless that you didnt tell me" and that was one of the first times anything like that happened and im just like so lost. i was gonna tell her, it wasnt anything to hide, but honestly, i understand - she wants to know things first, im the same way so i'd be a hypocrite if i sat here and judged her for it.

so i admit my mistake in that regard bc i shouldve known better.