life updates for anyone who cares

letter to money

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6wu-a1wmNU&ab_channel=YESSUPPLY%E2%80%A2REESE

paying for everyone bc im scared theyre gonna think im stingy

good people are good regardless of their tools or money and bad people are bad regardless of their tools or money

i do not have to take on my parents beliefs around money

i am not taking money away from anyone when i am making money.

so... im meant to be writing a letter to money so here goes: 

dear money,

i've always feared you since childhood, bc i saw how it affected my dad and how much he was worried about a lack of money. and i never understood it for myself, but i did understand one thing and that was: that this wouldnt be my relationship with you. so here i am, trying to face you head-on. ik that you are not inherently evil, and/or want bad thigns to happen. but bad people love you so much, and bad people treat you as a thing to be proud of. even tho, to me, you are a normal human. with its flaws and its goodness - i can do so much good in the world with you in my hands. 

but you are not the ultimate power, and i understand that too. giving you more power than Allah in my eyes or my life will make me the 'bad' person i dont want to be. i dont want to simply 'possess' you. instead i want to play with you, have fun with you, i want to stop fearing you. ik that you are like a cat and you come easy to those who dont try to chase you; which is why i wont be chasing you. 

i will be attracting you.

but tell me what is it about me that scares you? i personally am kind of scared of talking about you, bc im afraid of the 'judgment' and im not even sure what that judgment is? i always try to pay for things upfront, before anyone notices, so that nobody notices the anxiety i have from my previous programming, and so no one questions my motives. but why do i feel so guilty about asking people to pay their share? why do i get uncomfortable? even tho its understood that everyone pays their own share. im so shy to even ask - even tho i really shouldnt be.

but i find chasing after you deplorable, which is why i wont do it. i wont chase after you like my dad did, bc he never got to reach you with that attitude. im trying to understand how you work and it seems that the more playful i become about you, the more easy and light-hearted you become towards me.

my feelings around you are not fair tho, i understand that now. i instantly think money corrupts people, but ive met many 'poor' people who are just as corrupt on the inside with their negativity -people like my dad. and he doesnt have money to be corrupt about you, but he is. hes negative about you and everytime he says smth like 'work hard, money doesnt come easy' i cringe real hard. bc i understand you now. i understand that you blissfully come to those who have open arms and open hearts, not unresolved trauma.

i also know that you go to those who are weird about having you, who want to possess you - but i understand its a test for the rest of us when you do end up in those people's arms. for eg. my SIL S.A, she thinks herself special bc she is 'rich' bc of her husband but ik that its not her thats necessarily rich but her husband - and she rubs it in my face. but ik its bc shes the type to chase after you, but you dont like her.

bc if you liked her, you wouldnt allow her to judge herself and others based on how much of you she has. she judges those who dont have LV or Dior bags but for what? so she can validate herself? and ik you dont exist for pathetic people like that to flaunt you around. im surrounded by those who misinterpret you constantly and it makes me hate you. but the truth is, the same people who misuse you and mischaracterise others based on how much money they have is a characteristic problem. and im genuinely disgusted by these people which is why i subconsciously  push you out.

but it was never you, it was them. for eg. my MIL holds people who are rich to a high standard and thinks them as 'good' people bc of it. but to me, as you know, its not about how much money you have, its about your character and how close you are to Allah and you know better than anyone, that that is what makes me hate you.

but im wrong for that. ik so many good people who have money for eg. Bill Gates or even the Prophet SAW and his wives who always used to give money away whenever they used to receive it, not bc they thought you were evil, but bc they wanted to give it to those who needed it more than them.

and thats my intention for when im easily having $10,000 months, where i help my family out of the rut. idk if my dad will ever accept money from me, but ik my mum and my siblings will and i want to empower them as much as i can. i want to make my islamic organisation as huge as i can, and i want to run it appropriately. im going to run my own psychologist clinic with all the capital we're going to build together. 

i want to manage people and do it with ease bc i have the tools (you) to get them onboard. bc they dont understand you like i understand you. they dont know how playful i am with you and how much you love being with me. but lets keep this our little secret shall we?

until next time, 

ava