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so forgiveness. i have tackled with this for a while now.
i came from forgiving everyone wholeheartedly and freely to holding grudges or building fences for people to climb before i forgave someone. i don't believe in forgiveness for the other person, bc i feel that people who do us wrong almost think it is a gift that they received for messing up a certain part of your life. i believe in forgiveness for the sake of Allah and for the sake of my own inner peace.
i don't really understand what it is tho.
bc when i was younger, i thought it was a little mishap you could get over, and i guess at those times it was. but if someone humiliates you, beyond measure? that it's almost impossible to show your face around anyone they humiliated you in front of?
can that be forgiven?
what does forgiveness even feel like? is it inner peace for me... or peace of mind for them?
is it letting them back into my life as if nothing happened, or is it letting them go without any hesitation (especially if the crime is severe and detrimental to your social status)?
so i think khloe kardashian kind of summed it up well: "im allowed to forgive people without letting them in my space, im allowed to wish them well and protect my space, im allowed to choose who i want in my life and who i don't'
for me, now, forgiveness feels like it means 'its okay, i forgive you', like we're letting people off the hook. and im not even the revenge type, im too lazy for that and im not that smart or spiteful to be scheming against someone.
but i also dont want to hold onto the situation, bc the longer you hold onto smth negative, the further you entrench yourself in the negative emotions involved. and i do feel like its unfair that even when someone else messes up a part of your life, and they don't even apologise for it, you still need too deal with their crap and MOVE ON. bc at the end of the day, you have to live with the consequences and just thinking and cursing and scheming is giving that other piece of crap power over our lives
i'd rather k*ll myself than have another idiot think for even a second, that i thought they ruined my life
and honestly, my pride stops me from spiralling. bc its like... it takes a lot more than betrayal to knock me down. and you know what, the best revenge is glo'ing up. from the situation. from that group of friends. from that environment. into a new person.
grow so remarkably, that they have to get to know you again.
i will not give access to people to my deepest and hurt feelings. never again. especially temporary people.
as shallon lester put it, forgiveness is neutrality.
everything that you put me thru is not fine. and im not gonna pretend that it is just so i can get this invisible reward for being so virtuous.
Allah gave me the right to either forgive or get revenge... so idk why we are always told that there is only one option. especially when someone humiliates you.
but another thing is, and my sister told me this. that just bc i mention them ocassionally to give an example doesnt mean that i hate them. hate is expenditure of my energy. and i did hate some people in my life, obviously, even tho i told myself i 'forgave them' i felt utterly humiliated.
and that's what i said, it really depends on the crime. a crime like betrayal and public humiliation, to me, is unforgivable. and if i forgive that, it doesnt mean i forgot.
