life updates for anyone who cares

haven't journaled in ages....

ik ive mentioned it quite a few times but its one of those things that until it really starts to affect your mental health. and it is really starting to affect me. even tho i hate to admit it, but theres where most growth happens. but ive made being in this marriage my identity. how good i clean. how good/timely i put the washing in and out. how i fold the clothes. how i clean my room. etc etc. but truth is. this is not who i am. these are just things i do. should i do them well? ofc but judging myself using these labels or even how "good" i look in clothes or naked. this is not my soul, my spirit. does that mean i let myself go? no.

thats not self-respect. but ava you gotta realise that this is all exterior and has little to do with who you are.  who you are is your character and your islam and your discipline is there, not with how you look, how smart you are, how well you clean the house. 

these are all important things but focus on the inside. focus on how you feel. are you in the moment? or are you always trying to escape? why are you always trying to impress your husband? do you not think you re good enough as you are?

these are all tough questions but questions that need to be asked. and you are the only one who can answer them.

you have to be open-minded enough to know that you are not above any life experience, any hardship, any test, otherwise all those tests/things you look down on become a test for you. and arrogance is smth you need to work on.

if im honest, idk how i feel about my husband most times. like for eg, yesterday i had my last exam finished and then my husband told me he was gonna buy me a dress which is honestly so cute allahuma barek, and i honestly thought it was so sweet but obviously it was $255 and i understood why he didnt (even tho i wish he did) bc he doesnt have a job currently. but then today we were looking at some sunglasses and they were for $410 and he was ready to buy them but said "ill come back later".... and i was in shock. we walked past the shop that he went into yesterday to buy my dress and i saw this beautiful brown one and started gushing over it, to realise that that was the dress he wanted to buy me but didnt. i got angry bc he was ready to spend money on his dumb glasses that only cover the eyes that was still more than the dress but not my dress which would cover my whole body and is still cheaper than the glasses. i didnt tell him this bc i kept remembering the hadith about women being in hell bc they were ungrateful to their husbands and i dont wanna be in hell, allahuma ajirni minnan naar.

but that really got to me. im having the thought that he still only cares about himself and everytime things like this happen, it just cements it for me. that maybe he would just pick himself over me.

and then i emotionally detached from him a little bit after that bc i realised that im too invested in this relo. much more than he is and i need to back up. bc if this ends, what will i have left? my cooking skills? my cleaning skills? like wth? what happened to the growth mindset ava? what happened to the grind? what happened to working out? what happened to taking care of yourself? yoou need to just do these things and stop thinking about doing them. jut do them bc seriously nobody else is going to. and at the end of the day, you are all that youhave, so take care of you.

dont let yourself go.

keep brushing your teeth twice a day.

keep having your 'me' time every night.

keep chasing your goals, but never at the expense of your mental health.

dont get so caught up in your goals, that you forget to live.

dont count every calorie.

be grateful for the health, the wealth, the youth, the beauty that Allah has blessed you with.

this petty stuff that we worry about "oh i ate that thing, im fat" etc needs to go.