life updates for anyone who cares

im happy for her

my sister posted smth on twitter saying "i hope Allah never takes you away from me, that we still talk and laugh for years to come, until we have children and marry our children. Ameen."

firstly, we're doing this eid kringle thingy and im pretty sure she has me and she also wrote smth about "i love to give gifts to people, esp handmade" and thats my favourite quality about her.

but idk who she was talking to in the first one but i secretly hope its me. but the truth is, if we go back on my history with my sister, its never really been the case that she sees me or even cares about my presence, and at the same time, she told me that her psychologist told her she really cared about what i thought of her and that really surprised me and even after my wedding, my mum kept telling me that every week both my sister and my brother asked my parents when me and my husband were coming to visit and that also shocked me.

i think the first quote tho may be about her friend, du'a that i mentioned before. i talked to my sister two days ago and she mentioned how her and du'a were quite similar in sensitivity etc.

but i told her that she knows better than anyone how fickle internet friendships are and that she should spend more time with siblings bc once youre married and youre completely engrossed in someone else, it can be easy to forget everyone, and im not proud of that for myself.

the truth is, i wanted to get away from my family and get married when i did, and that time away from them was necessary. the quiet household and everyone realising and missing my presence was necessary. bc otherwise i would've just been that sister who just left and made everyone happy but truth is, and i dont like to say im happy about it but it does make mepleased somewhat to know that the house is quiet without me, or that my family really does miss me and want to see me.

when everyone sees you as a "second" mother its not fun bc that role is so exhausting and unappreciative, idk why people want to be mothers. and when i got married and rukhsatied... i was beyond the moon, not just bc i was gonna finally lose my virginity but bc i got away from my household for a new perspective and i dont regret that at all.

the rukhsati blues are hitting me now, tho. which is the reason for these last two entries.