life updates for anyone who cares

ramadan is here and idk what to do

so, alhamdulilah ramadan is here but deadass it really snuck up on us this year. like wow, nobody was prepared and that is what i hate. but what i hate most and im starting to feel really resentful over is the extraness of iftar. yesterday my MIL made soup, rice, chicken munchurian, samosay, spring rolls, wings and mongolian beef.

and i was also making juice. and it was just too much, she also asked me to make fruit salad to which i said it was gonna be too much and she finally agreed. but i felt judged for saying so. even when my MIL came back from pakistan, my FIL said "i love the biryani but most of all i love the quantity of the biryani" and i was super confused.. like as if i was starving them while my MIL was away or smth?

and the thing is my SIL, S.A, makes just the right amount of food when we are over and he never comments on her "quantity" of food? you know what i mean? and ik they probably have the best of intentions ie that they wanna have enough for the guests, but there is a limit to food-wasting. and i understand that for dawats, we do too much, but then we shouldnt be making other food the following two days or until the food finishes?

and the fact that my MIL has made it explicit that she "cant control herself" and "expects {me} to throw things in the bin" like i dont have Allah to answer to?

str8 disrespect. im thinking of bringing this up with her but i need a template of what im going to say.

firstly, that we buy too many things which we do and that is a wastage of money. like im out here cleaning out the cupboards, throwing whats rotten/expired and then you bring in new stuff that we dont need at all. instead of checking if we have it or not. 

secondly, i dont want her to think im not a good host bc i dont over-do it every time. if there is enough food then its khalas, why do we need to over-do it? and why is this such a bad thing if i dont want to overdo it?

thirdly, if she wants to waste food, she should do it herself and not ask me to do it bc im getting sin. i think she will learn to stop making so much once she understands that shes throwing alot of it away. 

thats all i have for now.

moreover, im more worried for what i need to improve on in ramadan, one of the things is to stop getting involved in this family-politics garbage. esp with my other SIL, J.A

J.A and my MIL just came from pakistan and my MIL told me that she kept mentioning my name there and people were shocked to find that i was her bahoo. so J.A's mum asked if J.A did anything at home to which my MIL chuckled. if J.A was in that convo, i cant imagine how she felt being compared to me. i hate comparison even when im the yardstick... bc it puts me in a competition i didnt ask to be a part of. and ofc, this would push J.A away from me, not like we were close in the first place but when i started considering things from her pov, it made more sense why she created a distance between us, even tho it existed before i started people-pleasing everyone in the household.

my biggest issue is my people-pleasing and i hate that im aware of it, but more and more i resent myself for only thinking im worthy of love if i am of service. ive realised this week that this is why i dont vibe too much with J.A or my sister... bc i feel that they get the same privileges, if not more, by being their bratty, moody and useless selves, while im out here doing everything, which truly, nobody asked for and i should stop fulfilling. why should i stop fulfilling? bc its not out of a good intention, its to make people "like me".

and stuff that crap.

and moreover, i dont want my kids to grow up over-eating or indulging in food. my husband's biggest weakness is food and its a lame weakness. over-eating is lame, and theres an age past where it shouldnt be happening. if my kids see the atmosphere at home is like this, what is that teaching them?

firstly, all the frkn takeout and then the wasting of food like its nothing, and then the complaining of food like its "old" when its been 2 days liket he frkn height of privilege is surreal to me.