Shameless

38| My Oldest Daughter

"He's had this rash on his arm for over a month now." Fiona told the doctor. "That's eczema. There's nothing to worry about. I'll send you home with a cream." The doctor said. "How you texting, Debs?" Fiona asked."Her boyfriend." The twins said simultaneously."Shut up!" Debbie snapped.

"You have a boyfriend?" Fiona asked."I don't tell you everything." Debbie said,"You used to." Fiona said. "But I am concerned that one of his testicals hasn't descended yet." The doctor added. "What?" Fiona asked."You're a eunuch,Liam." Carl said, causing Fiona to push his head back.

"Hasn't anyone told you this before?" The doctor asked."No,they barely speak English at the free clinic,and this is the first time I've had insurance,so,no." Fiona said."Well,he's almost three years. old. This puppy should have dropped by now." The doctor informed.

"Be honest with us,Doctor. Is it because he's black?" Carl asked, causing Carla to choke a laugh. "You'll have to excuse them,okay? Puberty has turned them into a barbarian." Fiona told the doctor. "Yeah,that's because Carl mastubates ten times a day in the bathroom." Debbie added.

"Enough! This nice doctor is gonna think we live under a rock." Fiona told them. "Well,if it doesn't drop soon, he's gonna have to have surgery." The doctor explained. "All right,Carl,you are next." The doctor said.

"All done. All done. All done." Fiona told Liam as she picked him up. "All right,let me see your pits." The doctor told Carl as Carla sat on the chair and played with Liam. "Oh,you got a couple sprouts coming out,don't you?" The doctor said.

"Yeah, and I got some down below, too. You wanna see?" Carl asked with a smirk. "I'll take your word for it. Sounds like you are going through the throes of puberty." The doctor said, feeling his jaw. "Yeah,and the stress is giving me headaches. I probably need some Oxy." Carl said.

Carla looked up from playing with Liam at he twin brother as he said that knowing he was getting them for Frank then rolled her eyes and continued to play with her little brother. "Oh, don't listen to him. He's trying to get it for his father." Fiona said.

"He's dying." Carla said. "His bed. He made it. Does my insurance cover the pill?" Fiona asked. "It sure does. Co-pay is five dollars l." The doctor explained. "Oh wow,that's great. Beats waiting in line at Planned Parenthood for two hours." Fiona said.

"I wanna go on the pill, too." Debbie said,"What? No. You haven't even gotten your period yet." Fiona denied. "Donna Doty got her period." Carl informed as he put his shirt back on. "What? She's nine!" Debbie exclaimed. "And she's riding the cotton pony." Carla added.

"This isn't fair!" Debbie exclaimed and walked out of the room. "Here's your perception for Ortho." The doctor handed Fiona the perception. "Thanks." Fiona took it. "Whole you got that thing out,a few pain meds?" Carl asked. "Sorry,buddy." The doctor said.

"Ugh. The isn't fair!" Carl exclaimed and walked out the door. "Welcome to the wonderful world of teenagers." The doctor told Fiona as Carla picked up Liam.

~~

Carla walked into the boys' room, "What's that smell?" She asked."Me." Frank said."What?" Carl asked."My liver's finally giving up." Frank explained."Want us to steal you one from the grocery store?" Carl asked."It's not that easy,Carl." Carla said.

"Mine is rotting inside my body." Frank said."How do you know?" Carla asked. Frank looked up at the two and pulled out his tank top, revealing his chest that showed his veins. "You see these spider veins on my chest? And my eyes are probably bloodshot,right?" Frank asked as the twins leaned forward to get a closer look.

The twins nodded. "Look at this." Frank said as she pulled his sock down, revealing his ankle."Eww. Cankles." Carl said as the two stood up straight. "Like a teenager lacrosse player on the rag,retaining water." Frank said.