Shameless

76|Own Your S**t

"Carl,could you throw this in the washer?" Carla asked as she threw a shirt at Carl. "Yeah, I got to throw mine in to." Carl said as he walked downstairs, and Carla continued to get dressed.

"What are me and Carla supposed to do about our military school interview? I can't go on theee smelling like Frank's homless. " Carl said when Carla got downstairs. "You're still going through with that?" Ian asked.

"Don't they check your GPA for military school?" Fiona asked. "Dom's dad wrote me a killer recommendation." Carl said as Fiona sighed. "Who died?" Lip asked as he walked inside.

"Another appliance." Ian said. "Oh,shit,the washing machine?" Lip asked. "Yeah,it's the one fucking Jimmy bought for us. I should've known it would never last." Fiona said. "I guess you're gonna have to date another shithead con artist to replace it for us,huh?" Lip asked as he patted Fiona's arm.

"Somebody has to call to get this fixed,and it's no going to be me." Fiona said. "What am I supposed to do about mine and Carla's shirt?" Carl asked. "Oh,uh,there's a such a thing as a sink." Fiona told him.

"Oh,Flintstones living up in here?" Carla asked. "Yo,where's Debs?" Lip asked. "I think she's avoidin' me 'cause she doesn't have her portion of the monthly utilities." Fiona said. "You are being kind of cunty about it." Ian said.

Fiona glared at him as she continued to take the clothes out of the washer. "Yeah,she really thinks you're gonna kick her out. Maybe you want to set her straight?" Lip asked. "Who says that I'm not?" Fiona asked.

"Somebody drop Liam off at daycare. I got to hit the laundromat." Fiona said as she put her bag on and walked outside. "Yeah,I'll take him." Lip said,mostly to himself.

"Come on,bud. Go,go,go,go,go." Lip told Liam. "Straight cavemen." Carl said as he scrubbed his shirt.

~~

Carla fixed the hem of her skirt as she sat next to Carl in the military school interview. "Chicks in uniform rule." Carl said as Carla sighed at his words. "Not into dudes,especially the teenage kind. Save your compliments." The Sargent said.

"Impressive letter of recommendation Mr. Gallagher. you as well Ms.Gallagher." She said as she read the paper. "We know some people." Carl said. "You should definitely reapply next year." The Sargent told them.

"We're at capacity this fall. All 73 slots for this upcoming term have been filled." The Sargent informed them. "Wait,so that's it? No interview?" Carla asked. "We'll definitely keep both of your applications on file." The woman said.

"Well,the brochure says that incoming classes have 100 students." Carl said. The Sargent sighed. "The remaining slots are reserved for students of color. We try to strongly encourage the underrepresented groups to apply - Native Americans,Pacific Islanders,Hispanics,and, of course, African Americans." She said.

"We're part black." Carl said, making Carla mentally punch him in the face."Black Irish doesn't count." The Sargent told them. "We'll contact you if anything becomes available. Marco Nunez,you're up." The Sargent said.

The twins got up and walked towards the door. "Go fuck yourself,Pancho." Carl said as the Marco dude and Carla bumped shoulders as they walked outside.

~~

Carla followed Carl into the gate and walked up the porch steps of Dominique's house and Carl knocked on the door. Luther quickly opened the door. "What do you want?" He asked.

"We didn't get into military school,sir." Carl said. "You fail the drug test?" Luther asked. "No." The twins said together. "Said the only slots left were for colored people." Carl said.

"People of color,son." Luther corrected him. "Don't say 'colored people.'" Luther said. "That's reversed racism." Carl said. "So what you call all the white slots? Reverse reverse racism?" Luther asked. "Well,I told 'em we were part black. They didn't believe me. You've met my brother,Liam. Somebody in my families been dipping in the chocolate. Can you write us another letter? Tell 'em we qualify for diversity slot?" Carl asked.

Carla bite the inside of her cheek as Carl spoke. "You want me to vouch for your blackness?" Luther asked. "If it wouldn't be too much trouble." Carl said. "I don't know what you are,Gallagher - part black,part white,part dipshit. Any asshole can claim black by convenience." Luther told him.

"It's not fair,sir." Carl said. "White man's burden,son." Luther said. "Until there's some genuine racial balance out there,you both got to take the short end of the diversity stick." Luther told them. "Well,where am I supposed to learn how to be a real man? And carla a real woman? " Carl asked.

"We're gonna be stuck in this hood forever. " Carla said. Luther shrugged, then closed the door.

~~

Carla and Carl walked down the sidewalks when a police car pulled up beside them, but they didn't notice. "Gallagher." Luther said. The twins turned and looked at the car. "Been looking for you two. As much as an annoying and otherwise rodent-like pest you've become in my daughter's life...I've grown to feel a sense of responsibility for you. Both of you." Luther told them.

"Military school might be your best shot to avoid being human scum." Luther said. "You're gonna vouch for our blackness?" Carl asked. "Still no. But you two can take a DNA test to prove your African ancestry. All it takes is an oral swab of your cheek." Luther said.

"They swab our ass cheek?" Carl asked, making Carla shake her head. "Oral,Gallagher." Luther told Carl. "That's the mouth." Carla said. "Oh,cool." Carl said. "Pick you two up at 10 a.m. sharp." Luther said as he drove away.

The twins smiled as they continued to walk.

~~

The next day, the twins walked outside and opened the gate and watched as people moved boxes into Frank's homless shelter when Fiona and Liam came outside.

"You fuckin' seein' this?" Carl asked. "Is that a new washer/dryer gettin' delivered to Frank?" Fiona asked. "Even the homless ger better stuff than us." Carla said. Fiona sighs as her and Liam walked away.

Soon,Luther picked up the twins and drove them to the clinic.

They sat in the clinic when a doctor came out. "Hey,you guys here to get the swab kit?" He asked. "That's right." Carl said as they stood up. "All three of you?" The doctor asked. "Juat for the kids." Luther said.

"All right,just so you know,we got a special promo going on today if you're interested. Get two DNA tests at half off, so basically, you get one free." The doctor said. Luther nodded as the doctor handed him two DNA tests.

"What are my chances of being from the Motherland?" Carl asked.  "As in Africa or as in..." The doctor said. "Africa." Luther said. "It's pretty fair,actually. You know I had the test done,and it changed my life. Found out my family was from the Fulani tribe of Nigeria.
I've been there twice now. I am planning on moving there next year. Even changed my name to Chuku."  the doctor said as he opened the DNA test.

"What was your name before?" Carla asked. "My slave name was Lin." Chuku said. "Hey,what if we're in the same tirbe,Mr.W? Wouldn't that be cool?" Carl asked. "I don't think so,Gallagher." Luther said.

"How do you know we aren't?" Carla asked. "You could find out. We'll let you know when we get the results." Chuku said. "If I find out any of you people owned any of my people,I'm gonna have to shoot you both." Luther said, turning to the twins.

~~

The twins and Luther, the following day, sat back in the clinic. "Mr. and Ms. Gallagher,we didn't find an African lineage in your strand." Chuku said. "Wait,rea--are you sure?" Carl asked. "Ah,but we did find 33.5% Native American ancestry tracable to the Apache tribe." Chuku told them as he handed the test results to the twins.

"You mean we're an Indian?" Carla asked. "And uh,Mr. Winslow, your DNA test reveals 22% Irish tracable to the Puritans." Chuku said as he handed Luther his test results. "What? As in Pilgrims?" Luther asked.

"Mm-hmm,that's right. You three are the Pilgrims and the Indians." Chuku said. "Didn't your people kill my people?" Carl asked. "Don't say another word." Luther told him. "Apache,bitch,we're going to military school." Carla said as the twins did their handshake.

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