life updates for anyone who cares

birthday blues

now idk about anyone else, but for me, birthday blues became a thing at my 18th birthday.

so for me, my saddest day of the year is always my birthday. i wish i could go back in time and choke myself everytime i said "i can't wait to be older" WTF I AIN'T WANNA BE HERE NO MORE. I BEG YOU GOD TAKE MY LIFE.

anyway, and my 20th birthday was no different. i got no wishes from three of my friends and one of my friends sent a generic message.. i still appreciated it obviously. but the only birthday wishes i got today was from a salesperson (bc they were confirming my dob for security reasons)

as if i wasn't already nihilistic and unbearably pessimistic, i had to come out of the closet about how i also am super negative on the one DAY that im supposed to be a happy. but it is how i feel.

i feel

unaccomplished,

unimportant,

unemployed,

unsmart (see?),

and most importantly v v unmarried

ye.

the marriage wave hype got to me, sue me.

but ye i did feel very hurt that my friends didn't even care to ACKNOWLEDGE that it was my birthday, even a single 'happy birthday'' would've sufficed but honestly caring is monetised, it seems. even though i made sure to write everyone of them a paragraph on their birthday even if it was just "May Allah bless you with more" or smth. but no. nothing. its like im white noise.

and honestly i think it hurts me more bc its like.. wow..? im so unimportant and i dont make even a little difference to anyone's life for them to dedicate 1 and a half minute to write me a sweet message? and thats what makes me truly sad on these days that i call my birthday.

bc i spend so much time inside my head and never enough time outside, like what did i expect? and also did i truly wish them happy birthday just to get one back myself? maybe. maybe i did and this is what i deserve for faking my happy bday messages. or maybe i did it exactly bc ik how it feels to NOT get a happy bday.

and maybe its both.

i posted and deleted three petty messages that had the substance of 'i cant believe you guys didn't wish me on my birthday' bc the logical part of my brain know i will regret that like crazy afterwards

like come on, the one day someone deserves to feel special, but you WILLINGLY dismiss it bc you feel its unimportant. and i remembered how, as a kid, i never understood why people placed so much importance in birthdays bc it was like whatever bro, its just a birthday. and now, im a young adult with zero heart left inside me but still enough to feel hurt over smth seemingly minuscule. or maybe this is just how adulting is like. no awards, no standing ovation, just blood, sweat and lots and lots of tears.

or maybe this is pointing to a deeper problem in my life.

maybe i feel underappreciated bc i feel im not giving myself enough love bc there is a reason i thought that as a kid and i feel so unimportant now bc i didnt receive a happy bday.

maybe that is what it is. maybe i just need to work on myself. and keep working until im in absolute tears bc theres so much sh*t to fix. maybe this insecurity will never finish. maybe this is why people hate life so much.

and maybe this is why people use drugs. sometimes i wish that i really could. times like this, drowning your thoughts and yourself in bliss, even if its artificial, is so glorified - it's hard to resist.

or maybe i can use this terrible feeling and acc become someone so important that people feel embarrassed to NOT wish me a happy bday... as they should