Married, on paper.

2. Memories

I had gotten married in Vegas 9 years ago... And although it was a mistake and i tried really hard to forget i still remember it as if it was yesterday. We were both drunk out of our minds and gotten swept up in the fast-intoxicating atmosphere that was Vegas... That and our love... Our all-consuming love... Her name was Mya... Mya Walsh... She was beautiful, sweet, funny, sexy, adventurous and a little dangerous... God i loved her... I loved her so much... Dont get me wrong, i love Genevieve... I really do... But i love her differently. Genevieve is perfect in every way... She wants what i want... But the love i had for Mya was on a deeper level... We had this once in a lifetime connection. We just needed one look to know what we wanted or needed...

Mya was and maybe still is the love of my life... As wrong as that even sounds knowing i am going to get married to someone else... But sometimes love is not enough and can even be your downfall. Our relationship was an all-consuming one. Maybe not the healthiest relationship but God i loved her... Part of me still does even though i know we are not good together... I kept telling myself that we were not good together that it would never work... In order to get over her i needed to forget her and that had not been easy...

We wanted different things in live, but we found that out to late... It had been our downfall. She had gone with me to Vegas as i was doing a promotional thing there... We had gotten so drunk and were all over each other and i that is when i just asked her... We just got caught up in the love we had for each other and when i said let's get married she kissed me passionately with a big smile on her face... We got married by an Elvis impersonator in a tacky chapel, but we loved it and were laughing uncontrollably the whole time... At that moment i was so incredibly happy and thought we were going to be together forever... It was followed by our last night of passion, that night is etched in my mind... The morning after was a rough wakeup call... As it sunk in that we had gotten married we started to talk... Stupidly we had never talked about marriage or our future goals... We had really tried to find common ground the day after but soon found out that we really wanted different things out of life...

Where i wanted a family, she was not sure if she even wanted kids... Now or in the future... It had ended in arguing and i had to admit i had not been very nice... I had been a real asshole... I said some things i shouldn't have, hurtful things... Some really sexist and vile things... It had ended with me stuffing my suitcase and storming out leaving her there in our hotel room crying... I had just left her in Las Vegas and flew home... I was not proud of it... I just left her behind in a strange city... That was the last time i had seen her... She had sent me annulment papers a few days later. Guilt was eating me alive on that point... Guilt and desperation as i thought i had made the biggest mistake in my life... 

I had tried to contact her but to no avail. It had broken me... I had lost her forever... It was like she had disappeared... Not only did i lose the love of my life but also my best friend my rock and voice of reason... The voice of reason mixed with a little voice of mischief. And i had no one else to blame than myself... It took me almost a year before i moved on. I just kept a little bit of hope i would see her again... A little bit of hope that we could fix it... I had called everyone who knew her but they either told me to go to hell or that they have not heard from her... She just disappeared into thin air... It was a dark time and there were days i was going crazy and days i really wanted to just crawl into bed and never come out again...

I finally gave up and send in the papers... It had been over, although i am not sure something can be over if it never really begun.... It took me a long time before i seriously dated again... I went into a phase of just sleeping around not wanting to connect with someone again. Scared to get attached again. Genevieve was the first one after a long line of lose flings i let in... 

Genevieve wants what i want and made it known from the start that she was not the woman to fuck around... She put me in my place and i needed that.  She had the same goals in life as me. A family. She can be sweet, caring and is going to be a great mother... She ticks every box and people love her... I love her. I really do... But she is no Mya, she will never be Mya and as wrong as it sounds i will never love her like Mya. Maybe that is better... Maybe the love i have for Genevieve is a healthier kind of love... We love each other and love to spend time together but also have our own things... Our own separate lives...

I scoff and shake my head. I can't be thinking like this... I am getting married to Genevieve and i have to make a plan... What am i going to do... I need to find out how this happened first and for most. Mya had sent me the papers signed and all... I think i had signed them and send them to my lawyer to file... How the fuck did this happen? I sigh and run my hands through my hair...