Married, on paper.

12. Dropping the bomb

I stand there stunned the door slammed in my face. I have a son... A little boy who looks like me and his name is Oliver... Oliver... I let his name run through my mind and a smile appears on my face while tears run down my cheek... So many conflicting emotions plague me... Happiness for having a kid... Sadness for only knowing now. And anger... So much anger... But my anger is not pointed at Mya but at myself... Anger for fucking up so badly and i had no one else to blame but myself...

All of a sudden, the door flies open again. Mya comes out rage evident on her face... A look like she has more to get of her chest... But she takes a deep breath to calm herself. I think if Oliver would not be around, she would kick my ass... I have seen that look in her eyes before... I thought it was hot then... Now it scares me... 

"There was a time...." She says taking a deep breath her voice shaky... "There was a time, i would done anything for you. That i would give you the world if i could and yes that eventually meant kids... I loved you unconditionally... I... Loved... You... Unconditionally... Let that sink in for a second..." She said with venom in her voice and with every word it is like she is squeezing my heart a little tighter.... But i take it... If it means that she keeps talking to me i will take it. This is good right?  Her getting everything off her chest is good...

"I was scared... All of a sudden, we were married, and you were talking about kids and a future... Something we never really talked about before... And yes, i am partly to blame for that... But in my moment of panic... When i was overwhelmed and scared... You just dropped me like i was nothing. You walked out on me... Stabbing me in the back with your words... When all i needed was reassurance, comforting and love, you turned to hate."  She says getting everything of her chest and all i can do is stand there and take it as tears stream down my face... Hearing her talk about it like this it sinks in how much i fucked up... It just drives home how much of an egotistical prick i was... And maybe still am... 

"Instead of being understanding that with my upbringing i needed some time... Some time to get used to the fact that i could have it all... That i could have that loving family... Unlike the one i had grown up in... Instead, you throw that in my face... As if i was nothing as if i was to blame for who my parents were... And with such ease... Not caring how that would affect me... I never thought you would be the one to hurt me like that... That made it even worse as i trusted you blindly... But i guess that was my bad... I should have not... And i never will ever again... If you taught me one thing, then it is this..." She says pausing for a second gearing up for the next part... 

She is taking a deep breath... I look at her. She is radiating tension and i know she is going to break down the moment she goes back inside... Her fists are clenched her knuckles going white and for a second i am scared she will draw blood with how hard she is pressing her nails into her palms. For now, she is keeping it together to get it all off her chest... We haven't seen each other for 9 years and still i could read her like a book... And i know she could still read me... She wouldn't be here saying all this if she didn't know i could not leave now... It is like she is gearing up for a fight... 

"I learned... That other than my son to never let anyone get that close again... Eventually they will hurt you... They will use your weak spot against you just to hurt you..." She says taking a deep breath as a tear runs down her cheek... I step closer and want to wipe it away, but she steps back and slaps my hand away. "Dont you dare touch me..." She growls and i drop my hand... It is like she stabbed me because all i want to do right now i hold her... Kiss her and take all the pain away... To take all the pain i had caused away... 

"The last thing i want to say... I know you have all the money in the world and probably all the fancy lawyers to... But i beg of you to not take my son from me... I beg you... Please do not take my son... I am a good mother... You already taken everything else from me... Dont take my son to... I am a good mother... A good mother..." She repeats over and over again like some sort of mantra... It breaks me to have her think i would take him from her... I would never. She is his mother... And seeing the short interaction between them i knew she was a good mother and even if i hadn't i would have no doubt about it... I would never take him from the only person he knows... The only steady factor in his life... Thinking about my own mother and the relationship we have i just can't imagine taking him away from her... 

"All i want is to be in his life... I have no intention of taking him from you..." I whisper and tears are now streaming down her face... "I am sorry... But you can't... I know it sounds unfair... But for my own sanity... I can't... I can't let you back in my life again... Dont understand... You, walking out almost killed me... It will kill me..." She whispers looking at her feet... "Mya... Please... We can figure something out..." I whisper but she shakes her head... 

"Please... If you ever really loved me... If you care about Oliver... Than you turn around and leave... You will forget about us... Go back to your own life... Get married have babies with your new wife... She is probably much better for you..." She says and i am shocked. She knows... She knows i am engaged... "She is not... She is nice enough... But she will never be you..." I whisper and Mya takes in a sharp breath closing her eyes for a second... But when she opens her eyes again, she shakes it off... "Yes, you are right. She will never be me because you will be better for her... And for the family you will have with her..." Mya says breaking my heart...

"I am going to go inside now... And you are going home... You are going to get married and life happily ever after... You might think i wish you nothing but misery... But i really dont... Go be happy..." She whispers and i take in a sharp breath... "I can't..." I say again... "Why... Why do you, intent on making life so much more complicated..." She says frustrated... 

"Because WE are still married...!" I blurt out...