Married, on paper.

20. The letter.

Mya...

How to start... How do you start a letter to someone you have wronged and hurt so much... How can i even ask you to read this.

I know this is the last thing you wanted to appear in the mail. But i didn't want to show up and stress you out again i know i probably should leave you alone... But there is so much i want to say... So much i want to ask... Please dont throw it away before reading... I hope you will read this... I hope you will write me back. I hope we can have a conversation even if it is by mail...

Maybe you heard, but my wedding is off... I couldn't go through with it... I didn't love her. Not like i should... Not like i loved and still love you... I realized i was settling and all i could think about was you about how it was before i broke us... I know i have no right after all i said and did. I was an asshole. A selfish piece of shit that only thought about what i wanted... I hope i can explain a little... Not to defend myself because it was inexcusable... But to tell you about my state of mind at that moment... 

But first i have to apologize... Apologize for saying you were like your parents... Mya you are nothing like your family... I want you to know that... You are warm and kind... Sweet and caring... With a perfect hint of mischief... So smart, determined and tough. You becoming a doctor was no surprise at all... The people of Yellowstone are lucky to have you care for them. 

I am sorry... I am sorry for treating you like you were only good for one thing... To bare children... I am sorry for only thinking about myself and what i wanted in life... and not realize that you were scared. That you just needed a moment but above all you needed support and i did not... I am sorry for it all... I hope you can believe me that not a day has gone by that i cursed myself for walking out and leaving you behind. I can never tell you how sorry i am... Because it will never be enough...

And as i say sorry, the reason why i said what i said does not seem important anymore. I realize it are all stupid excuses. I guess i was just scared of not having a family... Ever... It is all i ever wanted in life, so it is kind of poetic that i am missing out on mine now... Maybe that is my punishment... The punishment for walking out on the best thing that ever happened in my life... Although we were both drunk and it was a spontaneous thing it was the happiest moment in my life... You were and are the love of my life and always will be... 

You and Oliver are all that is on my mind right now... Seeing him was both shocking and like a dream. Seeing you was like a dream... It was like staring in a mirror at my younger self. A perfect mix between me and you... He has your smile and enthusiasm. I bet he has your sweet caring side... I hope you will write me back and tell me about him... I hope you wouldn't mind keeping me up to date on how his life is going... Even if i never meet him again... I would love to have updates... I made a college fund for him and if you ever need something dont hesitate to call i will put my number down at the bottom of this letter... Please whatever you both need... I will do...

Although i know it might be too late for us i really would like to be in his life. I get that it would be hard and if you really can't stand to be around me i will reside in the fact i will never see my son grow up. The last thing i want is to take him away from you. That will never happen... In the short time i saw him he seems like a happy healthy and sweet boy... You are a good mother... He loves you and being a momma's boy myself i could never break up what you and Oliver have...

So let this letter be your insurance... "I Christopher Robert Evans swear to never take my son Oliver away from his mother... Dr. Mya Walsh..." (I love the way that sounds... My son...)  All i want is to get to know him... Be part of his life... But if you can't i will understand...  The last thing i want to cause you is even more pain. But again, i hope you dont mind keeping me up to date. 

I love you Mya... You and Oliver... If you would give me the chance i would spend my life making it up to you, although i know that a lifetime will not be enough... 

I hope you will write back. My address is still the same... My phone number is ********* You dont have to call but i hope you will whenever you need something... No questions asked no judgement. 

I hope you know i am willing to fight for you and Oliver... I am willing to do whatever it takes to be part of Oliver's life. All but take him from you. Again, that will never happen... You have my word...  I will not pull him away from the only parent he has ever known. But i am willing to fight for you... I want you to know you are worth fighting for... You and Oliver... 

I love you, the both of you... 

Chris....