Married, on paper.

15. Irritations and realizations

I have been home for a few days now. Not that i am really here... I have been keeping to myself as much as i can just wallowing in my own self-pity. When i came home i just greeted Genevieve who had the girls over and went to bed telling her i was exhausted... This time i noticed that she didn't ask questions, she didn't protest to me going to bed after not having seen me for 2 days... She didn't ask about what i had done... Not a hey how are you doing? Just nothing. Not even a happy to see you hug or something... I have been gone for 2 days and it was like she didn't care and where i normally credited it to us both having our own lives and respecting that, i can't help but ask myself... Does Genevieve even care? People who love each other want to know what the other does right?  They want to know what is going on when someone just packs up and leaves for 2 days... Maybe not in a, what the hell have you been doing way... But in a, hey what is going on in your life kind of way. It was a question and thought that kept popping into my head over and over... I came home and she just went back to her friends after kissing my cheek, her lips barely touching my skin... But i am partly to blame for that. The idea of her kissing my lips were i still could feel Mya's lips on mine was unbearable... I didn't want Genevieve's kiss to erase Mya's so i gave her my cheek to kiss...

That is all i got after 2 days of not seeing me a quick kiss on the cheek. And although that was partly me, she did not protest... She did not want to cuddle up on the couch or in bed with me. She didn't kick out her friends to spent time with me... But as it annoyed me for the first time, i did not really care. All i wanted was to go to bed and shut out the world... I just wanted to sleep and forget the last 3 days... I wanted to forget everything from the moment i found out Mya and i were still married... But it only got worse... Sleep eluded me... And when i did sleep it was restless...I had barely gotten any sleep over the last days. My appetite was gone and i had to force myself to eat... I am irritable and grumpy... More and more things started to annoy me. I started to notice more and more or maybe it just annoyed me now. As i looked around my house... I felt out of place... My warm and homy style was replaced by a beige and white one... All my trinkets in boxes in the garage... Replaced by these expensive vases... It all looked beautiful, but it didn't feel like a home anymore... More a sterile showroom... But the biggest change was the sense of dread anytime Genevieve talks about the wedding. It was seaping in more and more... I forced myself to smile but on the inside i was crying... 

I hear the front door slam shut and Genevieve walks in as i drink my 6th cup of coffee for the day. I am not really a coffee drinker but right now i need it.  "Hello sweetie..." She coos her voice sweet and i sigh knowing what is coming next. She has been out to brunch with the girls and she either has done something or wants something... Wedding stuff she had said when i asked her why she went to brunch again... I am just relieved that there are no bags this time... Were i normally loved and found it easy how i could make her happy with stuff it now annoys me a little... I had started to wonder... Had i become a sugar daddy? Well, if that was the case it was without the benefits or was it...

"Hey..." I say forcing myself to smile at her... I can't help but find it annoying that Genevieve can't see that i am fake smiling... Mya could... Mya would pull me aside and ask me what is wrong... Mya would care. But i guess it is a good thing she doesn't ask questions... I mean what i am going to say... Yeah i went to my ex... Find out i have a kid... Oh and she signed the divorce papers i took with me... Yes, divorce papers... We were still married... Oops...

The divorce papers that were still in my desk... I couldn't bring myself to turn them in even though my lawyer had asked me to do it twice already. He kept telling me the window was closing to have it dealt with before the wedding... I know i have to... But every time i took the papers out of my desk, telling myself i would turn them in today... My heart would break, and it was getting hard to breathe.