Married, on paper.

43. Talking

"Seriously?" Mya said pinching the bridge of her nose... I look at the floor not knowing what to say... I can hear her let out a deep sigh... "What happened... I signed the papers..." She says and when i look up she has he hands on her hips but to my surprise she doesn't look angry... No, it is worse she has a look of exasperation on her face... "I... I... I didn't submit the papers..." I mumble to ashamed to look at her anymore... "Why? For the love of God why?" She asks in a pleading tone rolling her eyes... 

I dont dare look at her as i feel anxious... "Chris..." She whispers stepping closer putting her hands on my face forcing me to look at her... I can feel a tear run down my cheek... "I just couldn't..." I whisper and she sighs... "Oh Chris..." She sighs resting her forehead against my chest... "It felt wrong... I just couldn't..." I say another tear running down my face... 

"I dont want to be divorced from you... It feels wrong..." I say as more tears run down my cheek and she sighs... "Chris... You are holding on to something that was never real... I get it the idea of divorce is not a fun one... I hate it to... But our marriage... It was never real..." She whispers and to my surprise she kisses me... "You are holding on to idea of marriage.  Not an actual marriage..." She whispers pecking my lips again... "Chris we were married for a few hours, long enough to make that little boy sleeping a few doors down... Everything after that doesn't count... Chris we never lived together as husband and wife... Well until now i guess..." She says and again i am surprised as a warm smile appears on her face...

"You are not mad?" I ask confused and she sighs... She grabs a shirt and puts it on... She then grabs me a pair of sweatpants... I take it and put it on... "No Chris... I am not mad..." She sighs her body now covered up by one of my shirts... She takes my hand and pulls me back in the bedroom... 

She sits me down on the bed and steps between my legs... I put my arms around her and lay my head on her chest... Her heartbeat calms me as she runs her hands through my hair... "Dont you want to have an anniversary day that is filled with happy memories and not filled with heartache and trauma... I dont like the idea being divorced either... When i said yes to getting married i never thought we would not make it..." She whispers, and she cups my face making me look up... 

"I still dont think we are not going to make it... It is not going to be easy, and it will be a lot of work... But i dont want our old marriage to drag down what we are going to build together now... It just will be a dark cloud looming over us..." She whispers and i know she is right... I know it... But still, even thinking about it just hurts. "Would you ever marry me again..." I whisper and she smiles... She leans down and kisses me... 

"We need time... To... reconnect..." She whispers repeating my words back to me... "But Chris... I would marry you again in a heartbeat... Even after everything that happened i never stopped loving you... But i need time... We both need time... Time to find our way again... You need time to get used to having a son... We need time to get used to each other again..." She says and i sigh knowing she is right... 

"When we get married again, we are going to do it right..." I whisper and she smiles and nods. "Yes..." She whispers and we both smile... I wrap my arms around her a little tighter and lay my head on her chest again... "We will be okay Chris... I know we will we just have to keep talking... I need to learn to express my feeling and not just walk off... Not just for our sakes but also for Oliver's." She whispers and i hold her even tighter... 

I place a kiss on her heart, and she smiles... "I know you are right... And i will file the papers... I just dont like it... It hurts... It feels like i am going through all the hurt all over again..." I whisper and i look up at her... "I know... It feels like failing... We didn't say i do thinking it would end like this... I dont remember much from that night... But i do remember how happy i was..." She mumbles and i sigh... "Yeah me to... Maybe it was a spontaneous thing but God it was the best thing i ever did..." I mumble and she smiles. "It got us Oliver..." She whispers and i smile to... "Yeah... He is amazing..." I murmur and she chuckles... 

"Would you want more children?" I ask her, holding my breath as it might be a sensitive subject and she shrugs her shoulders... "I never really thought about it... I was alone... Another kid was never something i thought i would have..." She says and i nod... "And now?" I say holding my breath... She smiles and cups my face and kisses me... "I am not saying no... But let's focus on Oliver first... I still got time... I am only 35... I am not old like you..." She says smirking and i chuckle... "No pressure... I was just curious..." I whisper and i lay down pulling her with me on my chest... She lets out a little squeal before attaching her lips with mine... 

Then all of a sudden there is a knock on the door, and we look at each other before looking at the door and i let Mya go as she stands up... "Mom?" A soft voice says and i smile as she walks over to the door... "Hey can't sleep?" Mya signs and i smile as Oliver nods his little head... I crawl into bed and wave him over... He rushes over and jumps on the bed... I lay down and tuck Oliver in... Mya watches us and smiles before walking over and getting in next to us... She plays with his hair massaging his scalp and soon he is off to sleep again... "Okay... Not right now... But definitely one more... We do make cute kids..." Mya whispers and i smirk... "That we do..." I whisper and lean over Oliver kissing her... I pull them both closer and let out a satisfied sigh...