Married, on paper.

38. I think you are lying to yourself.

Sleep did not come easy. I tossed and turned... The bed felt empty and cold... I got more and more frustrated with myself. Mya never moved from Oliver's bed to mine... She had been crying until she fell asleep... I heard her get up a few times, but she never appeared in my bedroom... Why.... Why... Why did i have to say it like that...? I turned around buried my head in the pillow and screamed... 

The more i thought about it the more it sounded like i blamed her... Seriously why did i have this knack to put my foot in my mouth... I didn't mean to come across harsh. I dont even blame Mya. I meant every word when i said that i didn't blame her. I would have known if i had not walked out on her if i had not said those nasty things... I should thank God on my knees that she and Oliver are here now, not just in Boston but here in my house... Mya finally let me in... She finally warmed up to me again and it was heaven... It was a dream... And i had to go and fuck it up.

Yes, i missed a lot but there was still so much to experience with Oliver... Who knows what had happened if she did contact me... I would not have taken it well... I dont think i would have even been a good father and husband back then... I was a prick.... A selfish one and i would not have made them happy... I still had a lot of growing up to do. If i had not been such an ass i would have been in their lives... But i was... I was a selfish ass... The more i thought about it the more scared i got. What if i fucked up beyond repair and i ruined everything, ruined everything before it even started. I eventually had fallen asleep, but my dreams haunted me... Mya's face when i walked out on her looking so broken begging me not to go...To not leave her...  

When i woke up after a restless night alone i hear voices...I sit up to listen... It is Mya who is telling Oliver to go shower... Oliver is protesting not wanting to shower. "I dont want to go shower... I dont want to go to the hospital today..." He says sounding defiant his voice pleading with her. "I know sweetheart... I know... But they are only doing some tests today... That is it... Just some tests..." She says her voice calm, and she sounds comforting and caring. I sigh as i hate to hear him like this. I wonder if i should go over there and help... Even if i dont know how... Mya had warned me that he would be grumpy as he hated going to the hospital. To not be surprised if he would throw a tantrum or two.

"Can i wake dad?" He says and there is a moment of silence. My heart starts to race as i wonder what she is going to say... "After your shower... Now chop, chop... At least 5 minutes, hair washed, and everything has to get wet.... EVERYTHING...." She says and i smile... Oliver lets out a frustrated groan... "Oliver... Shower now..." She says sounding strict, and it makes me smile as he mumbles something i can't understand. 

As i hear the door of his bedroom open and close i scramble out of bed... Oliver is showering so i have a moment to talk with Mya... She has already showered herself and is dressed her hair still wet. "Mya?" I say as i walk out of the bedroom and catch her just about to walk to the kitchen. She turns around but does not look at me... I study her for a second and she seems tired... Tired and sad and i hate it. Yesterday had been such a nice day filled with joy and laughter and i had to ruin it... "Mya? Can we talk for a second... I didn't..." I start to say but she sighs and looks up at me. 

"Not today, Chris... I dont have the strength for it today. Oliver is in a mood, and it is going to take everything in me to keep him kind of bearable today... To make sure he has not a full breakdown. Oliver is already annoyed and angry with me because he has to go to the hospital and God forbid, he gets there clean..." She says letting out a defeated sigh... 

"I just can't deal with your anger today... I get it i am a horrible person a monster... But please not today... Can we both just focus on Oliver... He is most important right now..." She says and walks off... I follow her and sigh... "I am not mad at you..." I say and Mya freezes... 

She turns around and has tears in her eyes... "Chris... I think you are... I think you are lying to yourself that you are not mad. I think you are saying that you not mad because you are scared that i will take him away from you again... I won't... I promise...  Now please let me make breakfast in peace as i am afraid it is going to be the only peaceful moment i have today... Let's just... Focus on Oliver and the rest is not important... Maybe we are just foolish to think that we could pick up where we left off..." She says and i sigh as it feels like a punch to the gut. 

"Can you check on Oliver for me... Make sure that he has a decent shower... I think he will listen to you as i am not his favorite person today... Maybe you can get him to cheer up a little..." She says fighting back her tears... 

"Okay..." I say letting out a sigh and walking to Oliver's room... I put a smile on my face not wanting to let Oliver see that i feel hopeless. She said she would not take him away again and i believe that... That makes me happy but the idea i lost her is tearing me apart... Yes, the most important thing is to be in Oliver's life i agree with that. It is important to have a good co parent relationship... That is priority number 1. But i need her to... I love her... I fucking love her. 

When i walk into the bedroom Oliver is already out of the shower i check if he has his processor on and see he does... He looks at me and smiles... "Mom send me here to check if you had a good shower..." I say smiling and he nods... "Washed my hair and my butt..." He says defiantly and i laugh... He is getting dressed and i smile. "Mom is making breakfast. I am going to shower... Can you do me a favor..." I say getting down to his level and he nods... "Be a little nicer to your mom... I get that you dont like to go to the hospital... Hospitals are no fun... But what mommy explained is that this is not working all the time anymore... She only wants what is best for you..." I say and he nods, and he pouts... "Sorry dad... I will be nice..." He says and i smile and hug him. "Good boy... After the hospital we will do something fun. Okay?"  

"Okay!" He says all excited and i smile before walking back to the kitchen... "He is getting dressed. All showered hair washed and butt to..." I say and Mya looks confused. "His words..." I say and she gives me a small smile... "Thanks..." She mumbles and i sigh... "O i promised we would do something fun after the hospital..." I say and she looks up... "Okay..." She says her voice voided of emotion. I sigh. "I am going to shower to..." I tell her and she nods... I sigh as she stays silent looking at the eggs in the pan... I walk out as my mind is racing on how to fix this.