Married, on paper.

74. The note.

I am sorry...

Mya... Chris... I am sorry for causing such a mess. I am sorry to put you through all this... But i am tired... I am so tired... All i want is to sleep... I am not scared... I am ready... I am ready to give in and do what is best for my son... It is the only way i can protect him... Because i am broken beyond repair. I am tired of fighting... I am just glad that in my final day on earth was filled with kindness... That i was believed and cared for... That someone cared for me... Someone who showed me some resemblance of empathy and had people around me who cared...

 For years i suffered abuse at the hands of my husband... Being beaten, humiliated and tortured has broken me... My only reason to go on and endure it, was Kevin... My beautiful boy... My smart, sweet boy... He was the only source of light in my life... 

When my husband started to do to Kevin what he did to me i ran... I took my son and ran... I knew i could not let him break my sweet innocent boy to... I tried to ask for help. But over and over again i was turned away... The police never helped me... Simply because my husband is a police officer. A well respected one... No one wanted to see the abuse he put us through simply because he was good at his job... I was never allowed to work... When i left i had nothing, not a penny to my name... Not a bank account... No education... No prospects... But i had to leave... I had to leave to safe my son from a life of pain... I tried... I tried to find a job... I tried to build a life, but my husband sabotaged me at every step... Job's fell through after a phone call from him... Telling them lies... But he is a police officer so they would just take his word for it... Even CPS would not step in... I begged them for help... But nothing... I dont know why... They had a little chat with my husband closed the case and just left... Telling me there was nothing they could do until they had concrete proof... 

In the trunk of my car is proof... Proof of it all... Proof i had brought to the police before but they would not even look at it... My body will show what he did, and they can't deny it now... They can't ignore my battered and bruised body in my death... I hope the people who ignored my cries for help will see my body... I hope it will haunt them forever... I hope they will know they ignored me and could have prevented this... I know it is not entirely their fault... I know that my husband had them convinced that i was unstable, crazy even... But they never even listened to me, they never took the time to talk to me... Mya was the first person to listen to me, to believe me... And maybe i am unstable and crazy... I mean i am going to end my life after all... Dead at my own hand... But my husband drove me to this... He might not have held the knife... But he might as well have...

But if something comes out of this it is that they have to look at the proof now... I hope that with this they will finally see the man he really is and that he will pay for what he put me and Kevin through. But above all i hope that if anything comes out of this, i hope it is that my son will have a bright future... That he will be protected from his father... Protected from the person who was supposed to protect him. Police officer Ray Kennedy... My husband and Kevin's father... He abused us... He hit, burned, and degraded us... He drove me to doing this...

That brings me to this...

Please make sure Kevin is not going back to his father... It will kill him... I know it is a lot to ask... I know it is not fair to ask... Chris, Mya... You are wonderful people... Even after what i did to you... You took me in... You showed me kindness and i am sorry i am repaying you in this way... But i want what is best for my boy... Waking up this morning and seeing you all have breakfast smiling... Happy... Mya telling Kevin to not eat too fast, that there was even more if he wanted... Chris ruffling Kevin's hair in a fatherly fashion before showing him how to use a fork and knife... I knew that this is what is best... 

I know i am asking a lot... But Mya... Chris... You are wonderful people... Great parents to your own son... You are the kind of people that Kevin needs in his life... So, i beg of you... Please look after my boy...  I know i have no right to ask... I know what i am asking is not easy... But please... Please give my boy what i could not... A loving family... A safe place to grow up in... Please dont let him go back to my husband... It will kill him... It will kill him like the way it has killed me... He deserves the world... He deserves so much more i can give him... 

By leaving this world i hope he will get everything he deserves... Again, i know it is a big ask but could see it in Mya's eyes... The love she already has for Kevin... The care she already displayed for him made me feel assured that he will be happy and cared for like he should be...

Mya... I know he will have a good life with you and your family. Mya, you are the mother i wished i could be... A doctor... sweet and warm and above all smart... A fighter... A woman who would walk through fire for her kid and i hope for mine. Your loving, and forgiving nature tells me that you are what is best for Kevin... Your kindness to me on my last day meant more to me than you will ever know... You are what he needs... You can be the mother to him i never could be... Please forgive me... I know you will try too safe me... That is the woman you are... I know it sounds bad... But i hope you can't... Because all Kevin needs in a mother is you... 

Chris, you are an amazing father... A caring, patient, loving and fun dad... A good man... I know with you as a positive male role model in my son's life, he will grow up into a fine young man. If he grows up to be half the man you are, i will be happy... Teach him to be kind and respectful to women like you are to Mya... Show him that a man should not raise his fists at a woman... Show him that love is the way to go...  I couldn't wish for a better father figure for Kevin... I am sorry to put your family through this and i hope one day you can find it in you to forgive me... I hope your family can accept my son... But seeing the man you are, the man your mother has raised you to be... I have no doubt they will... 

 Again, i can't tell you how sorry i am to put you through this. I know you promised to help me... So, i am asking you to help me with this... Give my boy the life he deserves... Love him... Care for him... Take him in and make him part of your family...  You both were so kind to me... I am sorry i have to repay you in this way... But i hope that as a parent you understand me... I would do anything in my power to give Kevin a better life... Even if that means i have to die... He will be sad for a little while... But his life will get better... So please as a last favor to a desperate woman... Take care of my son as if he was your own... I will forever be grateful... 

To Kevin...

My sweet, sweet boy... Mommy loves you so much... Even if it doesn't feel like i do right now. I know right now you feel abandoned and alone and i am sorry... I am sorry for leaving you... I am sorry for not protecting you more from your father... I am sorry i didn't leave him sooner... You will be forever scarred and that is my fault... I should have left after the first time your father beat me... I should have protected you from the yelling... But i am protecting you know... I am protecting you by leaving you... But i could not just leave you... The idea of a life without you hurt... It hurt too much... I know i am selfish to do this... I know it hurts... I am hurting to... But i hope one day you understand that i saw no other way out... I saw no other way to give you the life you deserve... 

I have asked Mya and Chris to take care of you... Knowing the kind of people they are i have no doubt the will... Again, i know that is asking them a lot... But they are good people... Be a good boy to them... Be the sweet, smart and loving boy you are... Make something of your life.  Make them proud like you made me proud... I will forever be your mommy... I will look over you, i hope from heaven... But i can't give you the life you deserve... Chris and Mya can... They love you... I could see it... They love you just as much as i do... And how could they not... You are amazing... Dont blame them Kevin... The tried to help me... I am just too far gone to be helped... I love you Kevin... I love you so much... This is my last resort to give you a better life... A live filled with love and happiness... We will see each other again... But when you are an old man... An old man who lived a good happy life... Because that is what i wish for you... That is what i am giving you... That is my last act of love to you... I am dying so you can life... I love you...

Your mommy, Stacy...