Married, on paper.

14. Darkness...

I am on the plane back home... I had booked a flight as i just needed to get out of Yellowstone... The walls of my hotel room were closing in on me and no matter how much fresh air there was, i felt like i couldn't breathe... Mya her smile haunting me... As soon as i closed my eyes i would see her... Her words ringing in my head the pain in her eyes burned into my mind. The 24 hours after she signed the papers were a daze... I had gotten back to my hotel god knows how as tears kept streaming down my face. I must have been a danger for everyone on the road... 

I had made my way to my room were i had locked myself away. Lying in bed with the content of the mini bar feeling sorry for myself as i drank myself into oblivion hoping it would make the pain go away... But it didn't work of course. It would only make the pain worse and i had been drunkenly sobbing. I just had to get out of there... The few hours i did sleep were filled with Mya, she was haunting my dreams. She and Oliver both were... When i was awake all i could think about was Mya and Oliver... Mya and Oliver, Mya and Oliver, Mya and Oliver... That is all i could think of whether i was asleep or awake. And as the dreams start of happy days they only turn into a nightmare when they would disappear and i couldn't catch up with them....

So, i booked a flight and now i was on my way home, as much as it hurt i was going home... I tried to hype myself up telling myself this was all for the best. That i could move on now... But how can i, knowing that out there in Yellowstone walks a little boy around who looks like me... Who is my son half of my DNA... Whose mother is the love of my life...  How will i ever be the same... I felt terrible as if i i abandoned Mya all over again even if it this time was on her request. 

Mya had been clear... I had no place in their lives, and she pleaded for me to leave them alone... Maybe i am a piece of shit for doing so... I certainly feel like one... But after everything i had put her through i just didn't want to hurt her any more than i already had... Seeing her scared that i would take him is etched on my brain forever... I would never do anything to ever hurt her again so i did what she asked and left... Even though everything inside of me screamed to go back. I resided in the fact that it indeed was over... Maybe i am just a coward to scared to fight for her... Besides i have a fiancée at home... A whole other life... How was i going to explain to Genevieve that i have a son... That i already am a father... She would not be happy... I dont think she would welcome Oliver and certainly not Mya... She knew about Mya even though i always refused to talk about her most of the time... I just had given Genevieve the basics about her... No specifics. 

I sigh and sit down in my seat... I look at my phone and there is nothing other than a text from Scott asking me how it is going. I sigh and groan... I dont know what to text back... I dont know how to get myself out of the lies i told... Part of me wants to tell him everything. But he would tell me to go back and fight for her... He would say screw Genevieve and fight for Mya. I text him that i am on my way back... Then i check the messages from Genevieve. After me telling her that i had arrived there is nothing. I sigh and close my eyes... 

I can feel the plane take off and part of me is relieved and part of me wants to scream at the pilot to turn around... But i can't afford to be blacklisted so i stay seated and let the plane take me further and further away from Oliver and Mya... I try to keep myself awake. Scared to go to sleep knowing that Mya will haunt my dreams again... I could still feel her lips on mine... I could still feel her hand on my chest. Her way of saying goodbye had me longing for her even more... And with that guilt towards Genevieve trickles in... The fact that i couldn't stop thinking about Mya was not fair to Genevieve... But i couldn't help it... The fact that i longed for Mya felt a bit like cheating. While i am officially with Genevieve my mind is with Mya and i dont know how to snap out of it. 

When i finally arrived in Boston i just took a cab home i am exhausted and i didn't feel like talking with anyone... I didn't want to talk to Scott or ma and Genevieve probably would be too busy to pick me up... But the closer i got to my house the more i didn't want to go home somehow it does not feel like home anymore... I dreaded walking through my front door... And for the first time i dont look forward to seeing Genevieve. Having to act like nothing had ever happened that i not just gotten divorce paper signed and found out i had a son was killing me and i could not share that with Genevieve... She would flip out and again i dont think she would ever accept Oliver and Mya in our lives... And even if Mya would let me in Oliver's life i dont think she would accept Genevieve in his life. Genevieve and Mya would not get a long, that was for sure... 

The car stops and i dont get out... "We are here..." The man says and i snap out of it... "Yeah of course. Sorry..." I say paying him and getting out. I grab my bags out of the trunk and walk to the front door and groan as i already can hear squealing and laughing. Fuck Genevieve i home and she has company... This is the last thing i want or need...