Married, on paper.

22. Tears of joy.

I wipe away the tears that had formed in my eyes... Tears of joy. I am just so happy that she wrote back. The letter was so sweet and heartfelt. When i read the line that she had forgiven me i cried like a little baby... So much so that i had to stop for a second to pull myself together. 

I read the letter over and over again. I cling onto every beautiful written word as they fill me with all sorts of emotions. Not only in the way she has written them but also because her tears had fallen on the page while writing it...  She had been emotional and probably crying... I didn't like that... I didn't like that she had cried... I just wished i could comfort her... Tell her everything would be okay... 

My hands are shaking so hard at one point that it is almost impossible to read a single letter. There is so much to unpack in the letter... The letter was filled with so much emotion and information. So much to process and wrap my head around... But she responded... She actually wrote me back and it was more than i ever dreamed off... I just took every little bit of information she was giving me, taking it in and processing it. It gave me hope... She said she still loved me... But that she was scared and i couldn't blame her... I had given her no reason to have faith in me... God i wish i could fix it all... Maybe we just needed time. Take is slow. Maybe there was hope for us... I was willing to wait and prove to her that i was not the man i was when i had left her...

I loved her telling me about Oliver... I had smiled when she told me his preference to jump scare her... It filled me with glee as i imagined doing that together with him... A partner in crime to scare Scott... It filled me with pride to hear he was doing well in school and was well liked... Hearing he liked to be outdoors made me wonder if Mya would mind if i would take him camping in the future... Maybe we could go the three of us. Spend some quality time together as a family... Co-parent like she had suggested... It would not be weird to do stuff together, right? I dont think she would leave me alone with him right away... Nor would i feel comfortable to yet... I indeed had to get to know him first. Maybe we could go to the zoo or the aquarium... I smile as i am making plans already... I wonder what else he would like. He loves animals and outdoorsy stuff what more would he like... I could not wait to find out...

From everything she told me about Oliver he was a sweet boy... But then again i dont think she would tell me about any tantrums he would have... Which i am sure he has like any other kid... But reading he was deaf through me for a loop. I indeed had not noticed. I had been too focused on the fact he had looked so much like me. To all accords he seemed like a well-adjusted happy boy... He talked normally which i think had not been a problem because of the implant. I make a mental note to do some research about cochlear implants. I make a mental note to ask if he uses ASL. If so i should take some lessons... I wanted to be able to communicate with him in any way possible or he was comfortable in... I wished i could call her and ask but she didn't give me her number... 

I had no way to reach her other than by letter and i saddened me. Right now, i would do anything to hear her voice. I could hear her voice as i read the letter. But it left me wanting to hear more... I just wanted to know everything... Everything about Oliver's life and about hers... 

But for now, this had to do... I take the pictures and smile as i see one of Mya holding a little baby... I guess it is a picture right after Oliver was born... She looked exhausted but had the most radiant smile on her face... And Oliver... Oliver just a little bundle, looking so content in his mother's arms... The next picture was of Oliver sitting in a highchair covered in food. You could see the joy on his face and i smile... As i turn the picture there was something scribbled on it... "First time eating all by myself..." I read and smiled... I take the other picture again and turn it around and smile realizing she put a description of what i was looking at on each one... "30 minutes old..." 

I take another picture and take in a sharp breath... "First time trick or treating..." It said and i stare at it in awe... He was wearing a little Captain America outfit... I think he is about 4 or 5 years old. I dont know why but it made me all warm and fuzzy inside... To know that no matter how she felt about me she would not let it affect Oliver. It must have been hard to watch him in that costume... 

The next picture is of Oliver with a little dog... They are cuddled up on the couch watching tv... It must be their late dog, Toby. A picture with Oliver handling a stethoscope playing doctor with the same dog who seems to patiently let him... "Copying mom... Toby is patiently waiting for his results..." Was what was written on the back... I smile and go to the last picture... The last picture is a recent one... He looks exactly how i saw him for the first time wearing the same outfit i had seen him in... I look on the back and smile with tears in my eyes... "The day i met my dad... I just dont know it yet..." It said and i break down again... He is my son. I have a son... It was like it hit me all of a sudden. I am a dad... 

I take a picture of the picture and send it to ma telling her that Mya wrote back. She immediately calls me but i can't stop crying, all happy tears... I barely can get a word out and all ma says she is on her way...