Married, on paper.

16. Break downs and confessions

I dont know why, but i end up on my mom's doorstep sitting in my car unsure if i should get out. Ma probably was not the right person to talk to and i still was not sure i should tell her but i needed to get it off my chest... I needed someone to know... I think... I was still not sure if telling anyone was a good idea... I was so fucking confused. Guilt, sadness and anxiety was eating me alive... I needed to talk to someone... I need to get it off my chest. But was ma the best person? She wasn't really objective when it came to Genevieve and certainly not to Mya... The one she tolerated, the other she adored... But the same goes for Scott and i think even my sisters feel the same. I groan and put my head on the steering wheel... My hands gripping the wheel making my knuckles go white... The turmoil inside of me was driving myself crazy... 

I needed someone to tell me that i had made the right decision... Or to tell me to get my head out of my ass i guess... All of a sudden there was a knock on the glass and i jumped... Ma looked at me worried before opening the door... "Hey sweetheart..." She says a soft but worrisome smile on her face. "Hey..." I say softly still gripping my steering wheel as i am not sure if i should get out. I know that as soon as i said the words... As soon as i told ma there was not going to be a way back... 

She didn't say a word as she took my hands to break my grip on the steering wheel... Ma knew me, she knows something is really wrong by just looking at me... She knew how to handle me if i was like this... I am not called a momma's boy for nothing... Maybe that is why she and Mya got a long so amazingly... They both knew me through and through and knew how to deal with me when i was like this... I sigh as i let her take my hands of the steering wheel... "Come on..." She says softly and she coaches me out of the car as if i am 8-year-old again... Just like Oliver is now... God she is going to freak out...

She leads me inside and sits me down on the little bench in the windowsill, just like she used to do when i was a kid and needed a talk... Never to scold but it was the talk in confidence and without judgement bench... She sits down next to me... My eyes meet hers and i break... I break and put my head on her shoulder clinging onto her as i cry... She says nothing and just lets me, stroking and patting my back. And i just break down letting it all out without saying a word... But it feels so good... It feels so good to cry and be comforted... 

I dont know how long i was like this until i finally calmed down unable to cry anymore. All my tears were used up... I sit up and she gives me a small smile wiping my tears away... "Want to tell me what is going on?" She asks in that motherly tone... Caring, sweet but with a hint of worry... 

"Ma... Be honest... What do you think of Genevieve..." I mumble and she takes in a sharp deep breath... She looks at me confused and conflicted... "Honestly..." I mumble and she sighs... "Honestly... It is not going to come back to bite me in the behind?" She asks and i shake my head... "Honestly... I need you to be honest..." I whisper and she takes in another sharp breath before taking my hand. 

"She is beautiful... She cleans up nice and looks good next to you... According to Hollywood standards she is the perfect match..." Ma says hesitating for a second... "On paper... She is perfect for you... All elegance and always looking perfect... I dont think there is a paparazzi photo of her where she looks out of sorts... She seems to not... mind the paparazzi and maybe even likes the attention..." Ma says and as i listen to her i wait for the other shoe to drop... 

"But... I think she is cold and fake... I think she is with you for status and fame... And maybe there is nothing wrong with that... There is nothing wrong with wanting a partner who is successful and such... But sometimes i have a feeling that is all she cares about..." Ma says softly and looks at me... "You are so different around her... I dont recognize you sometimes when you two are together..." She whispers and i look at her shocked... "ME?" I ask and ma sighs and nods... "You pulled away from us and i know that is normal you have a life with her... You guys are going to get married, so it is normal... But a sort of coldness has seeped in it is like she is sucking all the joy out of your life... You used to be all smiles and now you always look so serious..." Ma says and i turn bright red... 

"Chris... Why do you ask this... Are you having doubts about marrying her?" She asks and i shrug my shoulders... "Christopher?" She says and i look at her... I fight my tears that are threatening to fall down again... I guess i wasn't cried out like i thought. 

"I went to go get the papers for the marriage license a few days ago..." I say my voice shaky as i apparently had decided to tell ma... "Okay..." Ma says patiently waiting for me to continue... "Well, it turned out... I was still married..." I whisper and ma gasps and all she says was "Mya..." as she looks at me shocked... "Oh that is not all..." I whisper and i take another deep breath... 

"Something had gone wrong with the paperwork of the annulment..." I say and she takes my hand squeezing it as to tell me to go on... "I needed to get a divorce to get married to Genevieve... So, my lawyer looked for her and found her..." I say and i swear i can feel ma's heart start racing... "She is a doctor now..." I say and ma smiles wiping away her own tear... "A doctor..." She whispers smiling...  "She lives in Yellowstone..." I say and all of a sudden it clicked in her mind... "You went to Yellowstone... Scott told me..." She whispers and i nod... 

"I went with the intention to get her to sign the divorce papers... I think...I dont know i was already so confused by then... My feelings and emotions all over the place. Maybe i went to get some closure..." I say and take in a shaky breath... "Well i didn't get closure... I got the shock of my life..." I say and start to cry again... "Chris?" She says cupping my face making me look at her with tears streaming down my face... She is crying to... 

"Ma... I have a son... Oliver... He is 8, i think... He looks like me..." I say and break down again...