Colleen pov
Josh and I have just come back from his doctors appointment and he shows no sign of abnormal cells. We are thrilled. As soon as the doctor tells him he starts to cry. I jump up and hug him tight as the doctor smiles. I kiss his neck and just hug him so hard. "All over baby" I say. "I told you I would take care of you" I add. The doctor leaves and we get ourselves together and walk out hand in hand. "Lunch to celebrate?" He asks happily. "Yes for sure" I say smiling at him. He and I are both so happy with the news. I kiss his hand as we drive to our favourite lunch spot. We order tons of sushi but I just pick at it. "Babe?" He asks reaching across the table. "Why are you so sad?" He asks. "You know why" I say. He starts to tear up. "I did this again to you" he says as he starts loosing it. "Joshua we made love babe. We thought we were safe" I say. "I am not blaming you at all" I say grabbing his hand. "I love you so much" I say crying. He gets up from his chair and walks to my side of the table and lifts me up and kisses me. "Love you sweetheart" he says crying. People are staring at us but I know we both needed to be in that moment. We smile at the people around us and sit back down. I grab his hand and eat some more. "Babe we will figure it out ok?" He says. "I know" I reply.
We are at the end of my first trimester. I have gained a lot more water weight then I did with the other pregnancies. My feet are a mess and I am only a quarter of the way through. "Colleen, we need to end this" the doctor says looking at my test results at my 11 week checkup. Josh is crying as he grabs my hand. "I won't" I say. "I will be fine" I say. Josh sits up and stops crying. "Colleen I don't want to do this either but we tried babe" he begs. "I am sorry Josh. It is my body. Something is telling me to keep going" I say as I stand up in the exam room. He is in shock with the doctor. "Colleen please, you have three kids at home" the doctor says. "Yes I do and one more on the way" I say as I walk out.
Josh is trailing behind me until we sit in the car. "Colleen please. You knew this was a possibility" he says crying. I grab his hand and look at him. "Baby please. Just relax. It will be fine. I need to have this baby" I say.
