The Deep Oneshots Part 1

Incorrect quotes

Until I get over my writers block expect these regularly

Fontaine : F*ck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn't fair. You shouldn't need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities.
Fontaine , playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor.

Maddy, on a random band name generator: Oooo! They Might Be Depressed Horses! That about sums up my friend group.

Alpheus : Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into bats to get out of all social situations.

Maddy: Hello, McDonald's, I would like to purchase 130 chicken nuggets. Prepare yourselves.

Fontaine : *pulls back the curtain while Alpheus is showering*
Fontaine : Hey did we - stop screaming it's me - did we run out of Cheerios?

*Alpheus and Maddy looking at a locked gate into a park*
Alpheus : Aw. :(
Maddy: You know what they say.
Alpheus : Please don't-
Maddy: BE GAY DO CRIME! *hops gate*
Alpheus : Frick-

Finn: I don't even use tubberware anymore.
Alpheus: What are you saying? Say it again.
Finn: Tubberware.
Alpheus: Say it again. Slow.
Finn: Tubberware.
Alpheus: Slow, very slow - actually, say the first syllable.
Finn: Tub.
Alpheus: Wrong.
Finn: What do you mean, wrong?
Alpheus: I thought I caught that. You're saying tub. It's P.
Finn: What are you talking about?
Alpheus: Tupperware. Tupper.
Finn: It's tupper!
Alpheus: It's tupper, always has been, always will be.
Finn: I thought it was tubberware because it kind of looks like a tub.

Alpheus: Could you maybe just like... stab me... right in the gut. Just REALLY twist it in there. 'Cause that honestly seems less painful than this conversation.

Maddy: I just found out that humans are capable of fitting a light bulb into their mouth with ease but can't take it out without shattering it, and now I have to physically restrain myself from putting a light bulb in my mouth

Finn, holding a gun: If the conspiracies about life being a simulation are true WHOEVERS CONTROLLING MY SIM I JUST WANNA TALK.

Finn: Fontaine , can you help me? All of my clothes keep disappearing for some reason.
Fontaine , wearing a hoodie that's 5 times bigger than their size: Spooky.

Alpheus: Sometimes, I don't realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.

Jess : Is stabbing someone immoral?
Maddy: Not if they consent to it.
Finn: Depends on who your stabbing.
Fontaine : YES??!!?

Alpheus: You know what's funny about Fontaine? They're my best friend, and anyone who'd hurt them is someone I'd murder, probably.

Maddy: Arson? Oh, you mean "crime brûlée".

Finn, confused and exasperated: Maddy, how do you plan on telling a bear to go vegan?
Maddy: Politely

Fontaine : So I have made the decision to trust you.
Alpheus: A horrible decision, really.

Finn: Thanks for pulling the fire alarm, you saved me from giving an oral report about The Scarlet Web.
Alpheus: You were too lazy to read the book?!
Finn: I was too lazy to watch the movie.