words from a broken soul

Apprehensive

My first ex went through to much
Still is going through to much but
It's was interesting hearing them
Admit there were multiple times I
Could've made a move I never did
Because I was always terrified of
It not that I didn't want to hell I still do now just I don't want to initiate it

Even then I don't think it'd be a good time for either of us
I've always been to scared of accidentally
Bringing up memories we both wish could just be wiped out from their life
They called me a soft top once and that's true for the most part
They're not fragile I know that
I just care to much that my head would get to loud wondering
Was that the wrong tone
Was that the right thing to say
Is this spot okay to touch
I don't think anyone wants to constantly reassure their bedroom partner
So yeah I think it's better this way
That we never did anything like that

They did almost make cry when I heard them tell me
I was their most respectful partner when it came down to hypothetical intimacy
I always look back at the attempts we tried to make a relationship
Work between us lost count at this
Point pretty sure Aphrodite doesn't want it to work......
Who am I kidding her influence was probably why we tried to work so many times
Two broken souls one saves the other from a deathly plunge
The other providing a temporary safe haven for them I may not worship the gods of old but shit
Our history feels right up Aphrodite's alley for troubled romance

It's funny we both still love each other just know it won't work
People expect me to move on from
The person who made me feel like I mattered not out of familia obligations but by choice
People expect me to move on from
The only person who truly helped my head quiet down
People think I should be mad they psychoanalyzed me they themselves think that but there
Are larger issues I can't stomach looking at by myself
So what if my eighteenth birthday was spent in a behavioral ward it was better that way

And yet my mind is always apprehensive about being around them
It'll rationalize anything to avoid accidently crossing boundaries
It cannibalises itself thinking distance will make the awaiting grief burn less my heart knows
That's just gonna make it burn more
I'm a nervous mess around them I'm clingy they're not I don't try to be
I'm talkative because silence is poison for my mind they like silence
I'll talk to myself just to keep the ichor out my head I don't want to listen to music around them
Their voice is to cute their laugh to infectious but my mind will never be right around them

There are people who have a spot on a list of mine
School was fun being able to state
"Careful you don't want to be on my list do you?"
I was always known as the well you can hopefully deduce it from that last line
Like I stated in puppy I'm a golden retriever for the most part but you
Hurt anyone I'm close to your gonna learn I got fangs and sadism
Running through my fucking veins

I was never a perfect person for my first ex we were going through our own shit
I can come off as aggressive because that's what I learned for
Nine years I don't really try to be
It's just my head has questions and thinks they'll have the answers no
It wants them to have the answers
That aren't there because they're just as confused as I am
I'm always going to be apprehensive around my first ex not because their fragile no they're
Something I'll always treasure even
As my mind hears the incessant ticking that's awaiting for the deaths knell to sound out

Memory is fucked and always will be PTSD, ADHD, depression, a mind that's fractured but still persists
It'll always remind me of the times I was happy because they were so rare growing up and I mean truly happy
My first ex pops up more than most would say is healthy but fuck this society
Just because we didn't nor will work as a couple doesn't just erase all the joy we shared even if I got them hurt by being reckless
I can hate myself for it won't change shit I can hate the person who caused them that pain not a day goes by were I don't have to keep
Myself from crossing a line that will ruin my life
It'd be justified in my eyes because there's nothing I wouldn't do for them even if they wouldn't approve of it
I'm nothing special just a twig with anger issues venom for blood and deep seated hatred for abusive cunts

They have a saying back home that roughly translates into English as "I'll cross through hell if it means I can hold your hand again."
And well I have a savoir and martyr combo complex so yeah I'll burn my own life down just for them
I don't solely because I don't want them to lecture me about it they're scary and that's something I find hot about them
But I don't think they'd ever approve of me getting my self into serious legal trouble just so they don't have one of they're former abusers breathing anymore
We both share that in common every father's day I'm reminded mine is still poisoning the gene pool

But it's better for me to be apprehensive around my first ex
I'll never claim to be a perfect saint let alone as a saint to begin with
They're something I'll always see as a historical treasure that I'm careful with not out of fear but respect because I know if I slip up I'm not being forced to apologize I'll be taking a trip up north and I'll have deserved it
We still love each other we always will I still want to have intimacy with them but I'll never get lucky direct quote from them and I think that's for the best I'm to scared of what I might cause accidentally if we did have intimacy
I told them there were times I wanted to make that move but just couldn't they could feel I wanted to
But I just can't I need them to take that initiative it'll never happen but I would need them to
I make jokes about how the signs
I was a submissive switch that can top and actually enjoy it were all there in middle school we just both ignored those chances
Hell I casually mentioned I could top them I'd just need them to be in control and reassure me through it

Apprehension is good sometimes
When I'm around my ex it's never a bad thing because I at least get to hear their laugh and see them smile my jealousy is to small at this point it's a slight twist but as long as they're happy and I'm still allowed to be slightly affectionate with them that's all that matters
I'll try to get past my struggles that
Make me have difficulty with being around them but the time we share will always be worth it my heads wrong in this case my heart knows best my fear keeps me in check not with the traditional sense but the sense of us both knowing I see them to highly and myself to lowly to ever be forced on a trip up north

My morals are ambiguously flexible now lot different from middle and highschool
But certain things will never get me to cross some lines laws are made for the poor and desperate
The rich will pay to escape jail but if there's one line worth crossing in my eyes it's abusers learning why they should fear retribution from
The sins they've yet to pay for