words from a broken soul

"TW" In My Way "TW"

I'm always getting in my own way
Don't know why just know I do
Another question without answers
Is it a trauma response or is it the
Feelings of not knowing what I want
Which is it trauma or something unknown
Why am I like this what caused this
I fear I'll never truly know but only
Be aware of this cursed habit of mine
Self sabotage doesn't fit anymore
This is self assassination and yet
It's done like taking a breath even
Though it's done wrong it still happens
Second nature yet aware of the limitations
It imposes on me what to do in life
What to do in a world that makes me
Sick to my stomach lately trying to figure
Shit out as I'm reminded people are cruel and sickening creatures
Trying to ignore how fucked the world is
Getting in my own way focusing on
The negatives yet that's all I've know
Grew up surrounded by hate and abuse
Try to look at the positive in life yet
Every fiber in me is screaming it's a trap
My own head is a mess of thoughts
Loud, sickening, sweetly whispers
Always the same get a knife fix
The mistake you are yet I never do
I'm always getting in my own way

My heart keeps beating can't feel it
Blood is still pumping hate it can't drain it
Skin feels like someone else's yet my own
Sometimes wish I could vanish from myself
Most times I'm trying to ignore the urge
To do what I planned on when I was younger
Got the biology knowledge to do it
And yet even then I get in my own way
But why do I do it I don't fear death
And yet I wait for the reaper to claim me
Despite wanting to speed up the process
This mortal coil is haunting me
In death I know I can't escape but
Maybe it'll be lighter on me just
Maybe I wouldn't be able to get in my own way
Am I okay no but yes trick question
I'm okay is me getting in my way
True answer is I don't know anything
Every time I'm wishing to pass in my sleep
Every morning is me questioning what
To do with my life when I can't stand being alive
Dreams feel like a feverish delusion
When does life feel worth it instead
Of me thinking it's just a cursed existence
Was I ever happy maybe I can't say
My brain locked so much shit away
That everything just feels like an act
One I'm improvising at each interaction
Was there ever a script or did I get in my way again
I'm always getting in my own way