words from a broken soul

Clarity

I've always felt like a shade just
A thing in the background
Had to be one to survive
Now I see it's become what I am
I had a friend offer okay caringly
Force me to be around other people
They never forced me to socialize
With them just let me exist in a
World with in sound that wasn't
The poison of my own head after
Awhile they stopped doing that
Not out of hate because I was
To caught in my own head trying

Failing to understand things they're a good person
Cursed with bad luck yet my
Fractured mind and altered heart
Always fight on what better distance or cherishing
The mind is always louder the heart always messy
Never can make heads nor tails
The coin has neither on it just
A Blank, marred with cracks, blood splatter sinking into it
Is the blood mine or someone else
Indecisiveness is my weakness
I want to hangout with them
Heartaches of longings be damned
My mind screams a staccato of warnings
Fears of fucking up gripping tight on my throat
Cold dread always lingering in my spine seeping in to my muscles

It keeps me in check I see that with clarity now
Yet my mind still blares a klaxon
As if a mental defcon five was reached
And yet I see with clarity that
They're the only person where my walls just crumble
Even after my idiotic actions through out all these years
All because the war within myself
Can't be ended no treaty nor truce
To be made and written just gotta
Endure the confusion of it should
Be easy it is but I'm scared of what
Comes after the klaxon doesn't stop
My heart reminds me what I missed
What this single person really means to me
The jealousy bites deep under my ribs and twist red hot yet ignored
Tastes akin to bitter dark chocolate
Bearable yes I don't like it though

They're happy that's what should matter yet it's whispers are incessant
I'll stomach the ace of something lost and undeserving for me
Just being around them is good enough I tell myself
Even if this pit will never fade
Time will come and go memories will be
Framed good, bad, neutral doesn't matter
Anything to remember the face of the one person
Who I'd burn my life in to ground if it meant they could live a full life
A life without having to worry about the ticking clock of the reapers call

I don't think I'll ever be able to express
Just how much they truly mean to me
I can try but the words never feel right
I'm good with words a lot of people have told me that
And yet when it truly matters
The full weight of them doesn't feel like it's there
They always feel hollow and distant
The taste of honeyed poison leaving my lips
Words can be misunderstood
The tone never feels right
The delivery is a trainwreck

The weight feels wrong emotions
Bleed through yet I can't grasp them
Emotions are concepts anything
That's not anger nor fear is something
My brain and heart never fully grasp they slip through my hands
I try to understand them dissect them
But they never make sense it's
Funny being a helpless romantic
Yet I don't know what definition
I have for the most human things
Love is pain yet joy heartache in the rain
Jealousy a bitter poison
Envy is just quiet jealousy
Longing is just love you can't have
Rage is stupidity born of frustration
And yet these complexities feel
Like alien oddities to me I experience them yes and yet
I don't know what to do with them

Rot builds from stagnation
Have I made any progress
Or is that a nother lie I tell myself
Clarity has never been my strongest trait
Everything has a place yet all I
See is black n white logic and heart
They fight constantly clarity is
Covered in an ashen fog of a battle
That will never fade and is centered around myself
I'm not perfect no one is but I can't
Stop feeling like I don't deserve to know this person
Clarity is never felt for long with me