words from a broken soul

My Sins

Read this at you own risk contains thoughts of self mutilation.

You do stupid shit in highschool right
What I did wasn't stupid it was down right fucking harmful
Hurt someone close to me treated
Them the same way I was growing up
Shit makes me ashamed and disgusted in myself
I know my flaws now yet that don't change shit
Can only hope I don't repeat it next time
Grew up raised by a manipulative bitch
Picked up her tricks didn't know it
Till it was to late fucked shit up got
Blocked ain't even mad I fucking deserved it
Self centered, narcissistic, manipulative, and egotistical is how I see myself
Blood leaking out won't change anything
I deserve this guilt and shame I'll
Keep carrying it even when people
Say they were the problem no you're
All blind by favoritism and basis I was
The problem gotta rest myself got
A fucked perspective on intimacy
Love's even more of a mess than my head
Days go by I try to keep pull the shackles
Best I can do is make them weigh on me less
Knowing I don't truly deserve it or I
Believe I don't at least I sure most would agree that I don't
Heads whispering always murmuring
To grab a knife cut yourself the guilt won't go away but you deserve the pain
Instead I burn myself grew up fucking with fire now I
Can't fear flames burns don't hurt that much even when popping the blisters
Every day is me wanting to take the
Quick route out the fucked existence I live
Each day I don't I don't deserve it
Maybe I want to get better or maybe
I just hate myself enough I rather suffer I know both are true

The thing is life is full of fuck up just
Some are more fucked than others
People think I'm a nice person I can be
I mostly am but the more you look
The darker shit gets with me black and white thinking goes to black and venta black
So much shit I don't want to admit
Letting it fester makes it more tolerable
Then admitting that I became that fucking cunts mini me
Thoughts about cutting out my tongue, maybe cut off my hands, maybe gouge out my eyes
Fucking anything to make sure I don't hurt anyone else ever again
Won't do shit when I can't speak, see, or feel
Cut out the vocal cords so no poison laced sounds can be made
Fucking any of it I deserve in my eyes
Death is the only thing I'll never deserve in my eyes
It'll come you can't out run it it'll claim me I won't fear it
But I pray the gods make suffer in the after life for the sins I hide
Under a sickly sweet smile and honeyed words
I don't deserve kindness hating me
Makes living easier because it something
We'd have in common at least
You do stupid shit in highschool right
What I did it wasn't stupid it was down right fucking harmful